Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

May 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:    Suicide Sandler!     Coping With Satanism!     Doin' it Crankenstyle!     PLUS: Hippie Holocaust!, And a castration-free CULT PICK!.
Damn Hippies...

In residence this year, I had the pleasure of living with a bunch of hairy-legged, guitar-playing arts students. You know, the type who criticize you for buying toothpaste that was made by a company that is owned by another company that has a subsidiary who hired some guy who worked for a company that hired child laborers in Tajikistan. They meant well, but often they would make arguments that were fundamentally flawed in the name of the Big Battle Against Evil Capitalists. They of course all went to Quebec City for Tear-Gas-Fest 2000, but didn't really understand anything about free trade, and its net benefits if correctly applied. As one put it, "For me, it's not about the FTAA, it's about destroying capitalism."

Where exactly do the neo-hippies come from? Mostly, from what I can tell, from fairly well-to-do families who are able to send them to Canada's 4th-best university because of the money brought to them by the capitalism that claim to be at war against. In fact, a large portion of them are Americans. If you ever point out that Canada has the world's No. 1 standard of living, and that it isn't because of Castro, they'll just mumble something about you being an ignorant bourgeois and go off to practice throwing rocks at police officers. All of a sudden, seeing as they're in first-year university, this makes them experts on everything, and gives them a mission to save the world from people who shave.

The most irritating thing about these people (aside from the smell) is that most of their arguments go against the principles that they claim to support. None of them get how tradable emissions permits actually let you reduce pollution more, or how free trade (and yes, the evil multi-nationals) helps developing countries develop, or how 20 000 hippies don't represent 800 million North-and-South-Americans. Basically, they've learned enough to use big words, but not enough to see what's behind them. The worst kind of ignorant people are ones who don't realize how much they don't know. So anyhow, to solve this infestation of neo-hippies, I propose that we export them all to Cuba, and have a big party at which we wear top hats and light cigars with 20$ bills. Viva la revolución!

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