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We Are Definitely Not the Chinese Mafia. Seriously. We're Not, Ok? OK? That's It, You're Dead.
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Dear Dan Deluxe
10.14.2003 by , every Monday.
Editor's Note: First, I'd like to say that Dan has no editor. Also, this week's column is late for a very good reason. Without going into details, Dan now has an authentic pair of stripper thong panties hanging from his rearview mirror. He felt that you should know. He's telling everyone. It's sad, really.
Today's topic is: Reader mail!
Yes, my last reader mail column was so well received, I received literally nearly a handful of correspondence regarding my column! With such a deluge of praise, I really had no choice but to delve once more into the 'ol mailbag!
Dear Dan:
I am a paranoid schizophrenic compulsive cellist with a pumpkin fetish. My question is, does Ash really have the power to wilt trees?
Signed,
Pumpin' Wood
Dear Pumpin':
I assume you are referring to my recent columns covering my trip to Montreal. Now, I have been known to occasionally exaggerate elements for humorous effect, and this is one such instance. Ash cannot, technically, wilt trees. The trees simply pull away from him due to an inversion of the same charisma effect that causes timid forest creatures to follow Snow White.
Dear Dan:
I am writing in regards to your column about NyQuil published some months ago. I happen to know that if you drink more than half of a gallon of NyQuil at one sitting, it will destroy your liver and make you die and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT because you mentioned NyQuil in a humorous context. Remove this column immediately and any others I don't like or I will sue you.
Signed,
Fretting in Florida
Dear Fretting,
A careful re-reading, or perhaps I should just say "reading" since you obviously didn't read the column in the first place, will show you that my gag was about making the most of a regular dose of NyQuil, not consuming enough to power a small car. I prefer to leave binge alcohol abuse to the experts, by which I mean college students. However, out of respect to alcoholics, please note that the text of the original article has been replaced by a heartwarming children's tale titled “Happy Bear and the Eightball.”
Dear Dan,
I am writing to ask your advice, as I have no friends, family, reading comprehension or basic common sense. My girlfriend has just left me because she has become totally obsessed with your columns. You are as a god to her, and she plans to start a cult dedicated to you and a certain number of your columns. What should I do?
Signed,
Distraught in Detroit
Dear Distraught:
Please send me a recent photo of your your girlfriend and her phone number, and I will call her directly to sort all of this out.
Dear Dan:
We here at the CIA have spent months searching for an online publication with readership low enough to allow us to use it to send coded messages to our agents in the field. We are pleased to inform you that your column is read by so few people that it beat out C-SPAN's website for this honor. We cannot stress enough the importance of not in any way disclosing that you are performing this service lest the identities and lives of our agents be compromised. We need you to print the following message in your next column:
Brown Moose, you are to proceed to the train station and retrieve “The Package” from its place of concealment beneath the nuclear bomb. You are then to proceed to the nearby “McDonald's” and exchange the package for a free Happy Meal. Ask for the Blue Kangaroo toy. Repeat, ask for the Blue Kangaroo toy. Over.
Signed,
Agent #4527 “Clumsy Raccoon"
Dear Clumsy:
Consider it done.
Dear Dan:
I have lately been pondering the presumed universality of physical laws across the universe. It is my theory that traditional physics as we know them might be a phenomenon localized to our solar system or galactic arm and that upon attaining sufficient distance from our sun, that these laws can change. Assuming that this is indeed the case, what are the odds of there existing a planet that is a hot fudge sundae, ideally with whipped cream?
Pondering in Philadelphia
Dear Pondering,
Please lock yourself in your home and never, ever, ever attempt any form of communication with the outside world again.
Dear Tiger Beat:
I just think that Justin is the cutest ever! I SOOO want to marry him one day and live in a little pink house!! OMGLOL! And this one time I actually met Justin and he smiled at me, but then I saw him again later and he, like, pretended not to recognize me! What is his DEAL!! I think he is a supreme jerk-face! Your interview with him was so fake! He's not that nice AT ALL!! I'm not even sure if green is really his favorite color! It might be cyan! I like, cried all night!! What am I going to do??
Signed.
Heartbroken in Vancouver
Dear Heartbroken:
You are obviously distraught, as you did not even make your alias alliterative. Unfortunately, since Justin snubbed you, your life is totally over. Suicide is the only answer- I suggest ingesting more than the recommended dosage of NyQuil.
People wishing to write Dan or who heed his advice are urged to seek immediate psychiatric help and switch to Robitussin.
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