About the Author

Column Archive

NyQuil Calling
2.17.2003 by Dan, every Monday.

When you think about it, there's really nothing fun in quite the same way as being sick. Now, I don't mean “sick” in the sense of “inoperable eyeball tumor,” but sick as in “a really nasty cold.” What's so fun about a nasty cold, you ask? Well simple, I reply- cold medicine.

Cold medicine is designed with one objective in mind- to mess you up so badly that you don't care about some damn runny nose anymore. Take NyQuil, for example. Aside from it looking like Vulcan blood, it is more potent than an equal volume of Jack Daniel's. You can chug that stuff all day and it isn't going to do jack against a cold. It's going to have you on the floor, laying in a puddle of your own drool, where you won't notice that someone has apparently filled your sinus cavity with Triscuits.

Consider this little anecdote that happened to me not long ago:

Before NyQuil: Sniffy, sneezy, coughy, drooly, and several other dwarves.

After NyQuil: Welcome to Dan-Land, where unicorns and fairy princesses frolic and play and kill each other with a wide assortment of assault weapons.

And that's entertainment that you cannot find in any movie theater, my friends.[1]

And it is good that NyQuil is readily available, because I have been doing telephone tech support at work. And not just any tech support: dental PC tech support. I have to talk to dental hygenists, and explain to them crucial PC concepts. Here's a litte exanple:

“Yes, ma'am, you did pay a lot for that printer. Yes, you do deserve a reliable product. Yes, you do have many patients waiting to check out. So you turned the printer on, and nothin- yes, the big red switch on the front. No, I don't know why I didn't tell you that in the first place. Of course, I told you SIX TIMES WHEN I SET UP THE DAMN PRINTER, YOU SLACK-JAWED INBRED MORONIC SOW!!!!”

Okay, so I typically only think the last part, but you get the idea. And, as I often do when I don't have my special medication keeping me in check, I combined those two ideas, and came up with my latest brilliant invention: NyQuil smoothies for tech support staffers, ideally in places of the phones.

It'll be a much happier world.

[1] Okay, so I don't get sued, here's a nice little disclaimer for those of you without common sense: Don't abuse NyQuil unless you have some sort of a mighty need to experience a liver transplant and/or everybody laughing at you in rehab. I mean, come on, how bad off are you when you think a NyQuil buzz is a good time?

Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page