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Go Ahead, Paul Anka. Sue Us, You Bitch!
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2002 Year In Review: Part One
12.31.2002 by , every Monday.
Well, it's the end of another year again. It's a time to get a cup of eggnog, or maybe a plate of that french-fries-and-gravy stuff the French Canadians seem to like, and think, “Well, another year of my life is over. Did I make the most of this 12-month chunk of my inexorable march to the grave?” It's also a good time to sit down little Timmy and explain to him that he will never be able to get this past year back, no matter how much he wants to. Watching children struggle with entropic concepts is funny.
But emotional scarring aside, it's also a time to look back on this past year, and remember all the stuff that happened. Some of it will go into the history books. Some will be forgotten. And some will be truly, deeply cherished by the prosecuting attorney building a case against you.
So it's time for a year in review, blank style. Of course, since I do not live in Canada, I still have all of my toes. But it also means that I missed out on a lot of Canadian news. Also, when memory fails, I have been known to fill space with outrageous lies.
January
2002 started with the War On Terror™ in full swing, and Osama bin Laden facing capture by U.S. forces. Ha ha! Only kidding. We never came close to finding bin Laden. But we did blow up a bunch of stuff in Afghanistan, which seemed to satisfy the American public as it's what Arnold Schwarzenegger would do. On the home front, President Bush waged his own War On Terror™ when he heroically choked on a pretzel. Scientific history is made in Canada when it gets so cold that the air actually freezes. Most of the Tangmonkey Group members spend this month sleeping off a hangover from what one attendee called “A small New Year's party.”
February
February, as usual, was an endless parade of gray days. Nickelodeon cancelled “Invader Zim,” so that they could devote the time slot to showing extra episodes of “Rugrats.” The Winter Olympics are held in Salt Lake City. For those of you who are not aware, Salt Lake City is is part of the Axis of Rednecks, which also includes the entire states of Mississippi, South Carolina, and Alabama. And Salt Lake City was started by idiots; for where most cities were founded next to a river for purposes of commerce and sanitation, Salt Lake City was founded next to a static body of undrinkable water. Canada makes scientific headlines once again when a large bonfire freezes solid. Attendees were reported to be breaking of chunks of the flames and sticking them in their pockets in an attempt to warm themselves. Tangmonkey columnist Zebulon takes off for parts unknown.
March
The biggest world news this month was the premiere of “The Osbournes” on MTV, which documents the life of metal icon Dee Snider and his family. This move was an unorthodox one for MTV, as it is a severe departure from their usual practice of showing commercials 24 hours a day. Britain was saddened by the untimely death of the Queen Mother, so named because she was the mother of every queen England has ever had. Queen Elizabeth ascends to control of Buckingham Hive, setting drones to heavy honey production as she prepares to lay eggs. Sean and JP decide to activate Tangmonkey's long dormant Cloning Vat, one of many items left behind in Professor Particle's lab, in an attempt to create a new contributor. The results are mixed; while the vat spawns a horrible, twisted man-like thing out to destroy humanity, it is immediately devoured by Ash. “It would have made a great forum moderator” laments Sean.
April
Canada is deeply saddened when Prime Minister Jean Chrétien is tragically eaten by a moose. The United States Democratic Party immediately contacts Canadian authorities about “borrowing” the moose for awhile. Layne Stayley goes to join Kurt Cobain in that Great Seattle Music Club in the Sky. The United States gets bored with looking for Osama and starts looking for other stuff to blow up. The American public reacted to this with resounding apathy. American life is put on hold when one of the members of “TLC” dies. Later, all Americans weep openly as the surviving TLC members pass the Overrated Female Pop Trio Torch to Destiny’s Child in a ceremony televised on all channels. Sean and JP’s Clone Vat experiments continue to meet with failure, and the Tangmonkey offices begin to fill with supermodels and other subhuman horrors.
May
Parents’ basements everywhere are abuzz with excitement as “Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones” opens in theaters. Star Wars fans in general found it great, until they realized that “Howard The Duck” would have looked great after “Episode I.” The fanboy community is nearly torn asunder by fervent debate on whether the title “Attack of the Clones” is “totally gay” or “merely lame.” U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell is sent to mediate, eventually hammering out a consensus of “both lame and gay.” The United States draws severe international criticism when its armed forces in Afghanistan start carpet bombing herds of wild goats out of “severe boredom.” The American public, upon hearing this, takes swift and unified action of turning the channel to “E!” because they heard that Ben Affleck might be dating Jennifer Lopez. Sean and JP turn from clone experiments to androids, creating a fifty foot tall monstrosity that destroys much of southern Ottawa before tripping over a moose and exploding. “I guess we got a little carried away,” a sheepish JP told the press.
June
Wildfires rage across much of the Western United States, while Israeli troops occupy the West Bank and several more large corporations announce that they will restate their earnings. The American Public decides that Vanilla Coke is “pretty good.” Ann Landers goes to the Great Features Page in the Sky. However, her column continues, suggesting that Ms. Landers was in fact a ungodly supernatural abomination from the lowest, foulest pit of hell itself, despite Martha Stewart’s repeated denials of relation. Sean and JP’s scientific experiments finally pay off when they clone the android and the moose, yielding a new humor columnist. “We call him “Designer Android Neo, or ‘Dan’ for short,” Sean told a stuffed penguin in the pretend press conference that he held to announce the success, as everyone in Ottawa had fled the city to escape the abominations unleashed by the Tangmonkey Group.
Don't forget to go on to Part 2!
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