2002 Year In Review: Part Two
12.31.2002 by , every Monday.
Wall Street suffered through its tenth month of the Rain of Stockbrokers as the Dow dropped into numbers understandable only by theoretical mathematicians. “You quickly learn to wear a raincoat.” said one New Yorker as a stockbroker smacked into the sidewalk behind him, his briefcase bouncing high into the air. Current events kept the American Public glued to their TVs as “American Idol” played out before them. Michael Jackson demonstrated once again that he can never hit bottom as he accused his record label’s CEO of being racist and “a mean man.” Canada is mildly embarrassed when the android replica of Prime Minister Jean Chrétien eats an entire case of 100-watt light bulbs on national TV, until President Bush tops him by fellating an oil company CEO during a national address about the importance of blind, unquestioning obedience. “We obey,” replies the American public, as Bush wipes his mouth with the Bill of Rights. Tangmonkey sees the launch of two new columns, the vile horror that is “blank,” and “Bedtime Stories," which is how I would write if I had talent.
President Bush vows in a national address to “rid the world and the good people of Iraq of the tyranny of Saddam bin Laden.” The American Public is angered and outraged by this, as he pre-empted an all-new “Friends.” Bush later apologizes, saying he was “a victim of confusification.” In Canada, the populace holds its collective breath as news reports surface of a group of terrified sous-chefs are being held hostage in Quebec city by a crazed moose. “These acts of moosey terrorism will not go unanswered!” cried the android replica of Prime Minister Jean Chrétien. Later that day, Parliament voted unanimously to support the Prime Minister in his call for an “Invasion of the Lair of the Moose King.” The band “Rush” immediately begins recording a song by that name. Tangmonkey statistics show that nearly seven people read “blank,” making it the most popular Tangmonkey column of all time.
People around the world quietly watched a somber ceremony in an unremarkable-looking field in Pennsylvania. Many of the people there later referred to it as “hallowed ground.” The U.S. Congress quietly rescinds the Bill of Rights in the interests of “protecting freedom from terrorism.” The American Public reacts with shock and grief after hearing that Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton have separated. “I really thought those two would make it,” lamented one woman, moments before being dragged away for “looking kind of Arabic.” President Bush addressed the nation, describing “a new law to stimulate the economy;” The Oil Patriot Freedom American Dream Statue of Liberty Act, which set weekly quotas of twenty gallons of gasoline per adult. “Obey,” said the president. “Obey.”
“blank” is nominated for a Webby award; all other contenders withdraw in despair.
Terror gripped the Washington, D.C. area as a series of sniper attacks left over a dozen people dead. Surprise and confusion set in as it was revealed that both Vice President Dick Cheney and Attorney General John Ashcroft were not responsible. “Mr. Ashcroft has not hunted commoners for sport since August,” said a spokesman for the Attorney General. Senator Paul Wellstone, noted as the only Congressman with any sort of a conscience, dies in a plane crash. “I did not order two F-15s to shoot down any private aircraft today!” said President Bush, in response to a question about proposed modifications to the tax code. In Canada, the War on Moosey Terrorism sees a great victory for Canada as its forces close in the Moose King’s lair, a palatial cave in northern Alberta. “The Moose King will be brought to justice!” said the android replica of Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, who then drank a pint of Pennzoil 10w30 motor oil. In a surprise move, Tangmonkey announces a merger with AOL Time Warner, creating the new company AOL TimeMonkey.
November started in the United States with a Republican sweep of all elected offices, even those not up for grabs this year. Saddam Hussein agreed to let weapons inspectors into Iraq, much to the frustration of the Bush Administration, which is antsy for a good war to justify the suspension of civil liberties, and the armed forces, who, having eradicated all the wild goats, took to firing their weapons indiscriminately into the ocean “in the hopes of hitting a whale or something,” as one colonel put it. When queried, the American Public mumbled something about “voting for the guy with the best hair” before going back to watching a guy bob for cockroaches in a septic tank on “Fear Factor.” Canada saw much rejoicing as the Canadian Special Forces raided the Moose King’s cave and took him alive. Canadians were not very surprised when the Moose King turned out to be former Tangmonkey Columnist Zebulon. “Those Tangmonkiers, they’re always committing crimes against humanity. They gave my Billy an obscene haircut.” said one woman. And, in fact, while its AOL division came under investigation for improper reporting of earnings, Tangmonkey itself came under scrutiny by Amnesty International, NATO, the UN, and Citizens Against Bad Humor Sites On The Internet for various crimes against humanity, including mass pollution, genocide, silly columns, and contributing to the delinquency of a moose herd.
December found the People’s Republic of America still trying to justify an invasion of Iraq to the UN, presenting a list of deadly weapons they say Iraq possesses, including “rocks, sticks, and a machine that makes hurricanes.” The Almighty God Bush, May He Live Forever, said in His Most Holy Of Voices that “Iraq shall face My Righteous Wrath,” taking a break from smiting the filthy, traitorous Democrats. The Good People of America are catatonic on their couches, moving only to speedily disembowel a reporter who had unplugged The Great Box in order to get a response from them. In Canada, the Army advanced through Ottawa after a fierce battle with a legion of undead horrors released by Tangmonkey to lay siege to the group’s headquarters. The android replica of Prime Minister Jean Chrétien stated that “the reign of terror brought on by these Tangmonkians ends now!” He punctuated this statement by firing laser beams from his eyes, incinerating the camera. Tangmonkey released a statement to the effect that any acts of aggression would be met with a blast from the Death Ray on their Orbital Space Station, “The Moose Star.”
This column is dedicated a good friend of mine named Christin. She is unfortunately very ill right now, and I hope you’ll join me in sending your thoughts, prayers, well-wishes, and druidic rites her way. Feel better soon, "LadyLobster".