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Chapter 32: Living With Parkinson's?

Chapter 30: God
12.15.2002 Edited by Ben, every Sunday.

God was amazing. Huge. And amazing. Beeping, blurting, buzzing and blinking, streams of paper flew out of slots and into other slots. No doubt compiling information that could only be compiled by God. Lights blinked, whistles tooted. God was a cacophony of light, sound, images, odour (God smelled vaguely of beets and horse radish), and more light. Steam whistled from below the machine, giving God the impression of floating on a giant cloud. Wires billowed from behind God, like powerful wings straining to bat their way into the limitless sky. An iridescent halo swaggered from the top of God. Sweet, all knowing God! Here to discuss the tales of the past, present and future, which at this point were all one messy glob. God was presenting Bjorn with the opportunity to manipulate the past and future, like Silly Putty in the hands of a child in need of a big dose of Ritilin. But Bjorn would not be so rash, so uncaring, so irresponsible, so inconsequential with the Silly Putty that was his world. No! He would be the embodiment of responsibility. With the priceless information that God would surely provide, Bjorn would heal the wounds of time. Like a newborn baby gooshing into the competent hands of a doctor, Bjorn would sooth the world back onto its proper path. With God on his side, Bjorn could right the wrongs of Todd McNoHart! He could save the world!

God the all mighty.

God the all knowing.

God the all powerful.

God the...

God flickered.

God popped.

God's view screens displayed pleasant colour bars.

God's speakers emit a white noise that could only be described as the noise your spine makes when it cracks in the morning after sleeping on it the wrong way.

God started cussing.

Who knew God sounded like a congested Eastern European.

Who knew God's voice would not seem at all attached to its material form but would come from behind an emerald green velvet curtain to the far right.

Noah's face went white. He let an "oh poop" slip out from under his breath.

Bjorn was sick and tired of being played for a fool.

The curtains were flung open.

The stench of beets and horse radish incinerated Bjorns nostrils.

A small man with horn rimmed glasses, old fashioned garb, and a face as red as his beets and horse radish stood behind a control panel. He looked vaguely familiar.

The man pointed at his plate and said "Iz good for ze sduffy noz", as he smiled sheepishly.

Noah sighed. "Bjorn, meet God. God, Bjorn."

"You are God?" asked Bjorn. "Wow. I must say, I expected a little more...pizzaz. Perhaps some shazzam."

The little man laughed. "You meezunderzdand me, young man. I am not zis God you refer to. Zat iz zimply my name."

"B-but what about the computer?" Bjorn's mind was on the verge of snapping. AWhat about the freaking gosh darned all knowing computer?!? How can I be expected to save the world without God....computer God, not this little man!

"You do have an all knowing god," replied Noah calmly. "God here is history's greatest historian. From the standpoint of the Sanctuary he has the ability to view time from infinite perspectives, the ability to study the consequence of every action, he observes how history unravels itself differently at the drop of a pin. And he has all the time in the world to observe, analyse and record everything. He can aid you in the quest to fix time. He is God."

As Bjorn considered this, his anger was transformed into awe and relief. Who needed an all knowing, god like computer anyway? Bjorn had never encountered a computer that was free of flaws. Surely an all knowing computer would backfire and create a Terminator like scenario. There were enough problems travelling through time as it was. If God was all Noah hyped him up to be, there could be no flaw in this scenario. Suddenly, a thought struck Bjorn.


"What was that Bjorn?" asked Noah.

"I meant, if God here is such a great historian, what's the point of the computer?"

"If people are going to be given the answers of their past present and future we think it would be easier for them to accept what they hear from a super computer rather than our Latvian friend God. Besides, we have a lot of time on our hands here. Sometimes we get a little restless. You know how it is. Well, I'm off to polish the ark. You two have a lot to talk about."

With that, Noah was gone, leaving an empty awkward silence.

"So God, tell me what I can do to get our history back on the right track?" asked Bjorn, getting right to the point.

"You modern boyz, alvays rushing. Vee chav all zee dime in zee vold. Sid. Relax. Chav some borscht."

"Ummm...no thank you." Bjorn said politely, as the awkward silence once again permeated the space. "So, that Todd McNoHart sure is an evil little boy," said Bjorn in an attempt to fill the renewed silence.

"Yah, evil Todd. He sdole my only daughterr avay from me vhen she vas zo young undt fragile. My poor lost Jesus. Perhaps she vill come to me again."

"Jesus is your daughter?!?"

By Stephanie Avery

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