I, like some others associated with this fine periodical, am an independent
moviemaker aspiring to one day make a living off my craft. And I want to
get in the game a.s.a.p., because now more than ever it seems like everyone
sitting behind a desk greenlighting movies & buying up scripts for high six
figures is an idiot. Don't get me wrong. I'm not some tofu sammich,
granola shampoo, Fellini watchin' hippie who's going to whine & complain
about action movies & sequels. I enjoy both genres. But, what I will rant
about is this: For the price of approximately 1 "Titanic", the studios could
have instead theoretically sponsored some 4,000 "Blair Witch Project's" or
800 "Chasing Amy's". Now, I know there's been quite the Blair Witch
backlash of late, & I'm not the hugest fan of Kevin Smith. Can you imagine
though, if instead of bowing down to the tyrannical madman that is James
Cameron, if a few THOUSAND indie directors, writers & producers had their
projects financed? Admittedly, there would probably be more than a few
piles of garbage produced in the process (there's just as many bad film fest
artsy movies as there are multi-million dollar blockbusters). I imagine
that amongst the mix though, there would also be quite a few the caliber of
"Evil Dead", "El Mariachi", "Blood Simple", "THX 1138", "Roadkill",
"Halloween" or "Sex Lies & Videotape" (or fill in your favorite low-budget
movie here).
Every time you see a god-awful movie, (whether it be "3000 Miles to
Graceland", "Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle" or anything starring Keanu
Reeves), remember that big fat bald guy called "the studio executive". He
wears a suit that costs more than a year's worth of your rent & smokes a
cigar that was delicately hand crafted by the hardest working abused Cuban
slave children a nickel could buy. He listened to a pitch (after a long
line of other yes-men & bootlickers sat through it first), contemplated his
options & thought over what was best for his company, the share holders &
the world wide movie watching audience. And, after much thought, he
declared to the huddled masses: "Yes! Yes! The world deserves, no... demands
that basketball giant & corporate whore Shaquile "Shaq" O'Neal play a
magical rapping genie!". Hence, the cinematic excellence that was "Kazzam"
was brought into this world. And then...the part that really blows my mind,
is that even after the aforementioned "Kazzam", Hollywood said to Shaq;
"Well, that was an incredible financial & critical disaster...oh well, wanna
be in "Steel" & "Goodburger"? I'm sure that they'll work out much better.".
What the hell!?!
In any other profession, if you continually do a bad job, or if you do one
major earth shattering screw up, you'll get fired. If you ain't good at
making sundaes, you probably won't have a long & fruitful career behind the
counter at the DQ. In Hollywood though, it seems that as long as you've had
one hit movie in the far reaches of your past, you're pretty much set for
life. The closest comparison to the terror that was "Batman & Robin" would
probably be a kindergarten teacher losing her class of kids on a field trip.
Or a chef poisoning all his food. Or maybe a skydiving instructor
removing all the parachutes from the packs. If you've seen "Batman &
Robin", I'm sure you can understand my harsh feelings towards the project.
For a screw up this momentous, you'd think that the appropriate retaliation
from Hollywood would be a nice round of blacklisting, or having the LAPD run
the director out of town. BUT NO! Since Joel Schumacher "directed" Batman
into the ground, he's directed or produced no less than four more movies &
has another in pre-production! And, the guy who did "Showgirls", Paul
Verohoven, has helmed not one but two gigantic big-budget (& just as bad)
movies since then: "Starship Troopers" & "Hollowman". Makes me angry it
does.
The actors aren't making things much better either. Hollywood doesn't think
it's at all uncalled for to give
John Travolta $20 million for Look Who's Taking IV (well...not really, but I
wouldn't be surprised). Or to pay Schwarzenneger the same to do some sci-fi
movie that no one cares about that'll be in theatres for a day or two.
And the audiences are far from flawless. Because often, when an amazing new
piece of cinematic history DOES make it to the silver screen ("Army of
Darkness", "Fight Club", "The Limey"), nobody sees it. They'd rather watch
the monthly Freddie Prinze Jr. offering (I shudder at the mere typing of the
thought). Shame on you.
But, on the bright side...they are letting Tim Burton do "Planet of the
Apes" & Sam Raimi do "Spider-man". So clearly there's some smart ones hiding
in there somewhere. And just wait 'till we get in. Then things are really
gonna' kick ass.
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