I don't know what I did. I'm not sure if I said something wrong or committed
some inappropriate politically incorrect deed. But, clearly I've done
something to upset the great god that is TV. The object and entity that I
used to consider one of my best friends has gone turn coat and
unceremoniously stabbed me in the back.
Jack Of All Trades is gone. The greatest television show in the history of
this fantastical medium has been dumped from the airwaves. Empty Nest,
Golden Girls, and Wings each lasted for what?...a decade or so? And Jack
doesn't even get a full two seasons!?! What the hell happened? Who's to
blame? I want to know so I open up a twelve pack...no a two-four of
whoop-ass on him or her.
For starters, the show had not only the geniuses at Renaissance Pictures
(Evil
Dead, Xena) behind the wheel...but it was Co-Executive Produced by Bruce
Campbell. And not only that, but he starred in the damn thing! We, as lowly
evolved-from-fallen-tree-monkey-peons were given the heavenly pleasure of a
full half hour of Bruce Campbell-y goodness each and every week and we blew
it!?! How?!
So, who is to blame? Well, it ain't me, that's for sure. I saw all the
episodes. Remember the one where Jack saved Ben Franklin from Blackbeard? Or
the one when he went up against his arch enemy Napoleon (brilliantly
portrayed by Verne "Mini Me" Troyer)? Or how about the time when
Jack...sniff...I'm sorry, I'm getting a bit veclemped here.
Well, I blame books. No wait, hear me out. I know that a lot of people think
that these "books" are a good thing. That they edjucate & entertain & open
up one's imagination to a whole wide wonderful world that otherwise might
not be explored. But guess what? All of those people who were reading for
that one extra half hour one night a week could have more valuably been
spent their time watching Jack Of All Trades. And school. Yeah that's right,
I blame school! How many people do you think had a term paper to write or
some retarded calculus exam to study for. Have your priorities set straight,
people! Do you realize that because of your precious higher learning &
edjamucation that Jack is gone! And he ain't coming back
people!
The heaviest burden on my heart is for Bruce. I really think we let him
down. He gives & gives & gives & how do we repay this lord of the acting
profession? We let his show get cancelled! If Sam Raimi doesn't put him in
Spider-Man I swear to Satan that I'm gonna just totally flip out! I won't be
responsible for my rage induced anger...uh, sorry, I digress.
In closing...congratulations to all of you who supported the greatest show
of all time. To those who didn't...shame on you. Next time you're shaking
your head at the 37th reality based trapped on an island show, the 53rd
multi-million dollar game show or at the fact that some poor fool gave Bette
Midler a half hour in prime time, realize that the corner stone of all this
horror could have been made a wee bit better if we still had the sexual
innuendo laced good times of an evening spent with Jack.
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