Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

January 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:Ash makes some New Year's resolutions! Eeyore hates the seventies! The critics' picks of 2000! PLUS: Voodoo Warfare!
(an article in 30 minutes or less)


I don't know what I did. I'm not sure if I said something wrong or committed some inappropriate politically incorrect deed. But, clearly I've done something to upset the great god that is TV. The object and entity that I used to consider one of my best friends has gone turn coat and unceremoniously stabbed me in the back.

Jack Of All Trades is gone. The greatest television show in the history of this fantastical medium has been dumped from the airwaves. Empty Nest, Golden Girls, and Wings each lasted for what?...a decade or so? And Jack doesn't even get a full two seasons!?! What the hell happened? Who's to blame? I want to know so I open up a twelve pack...no a two-four of whoop-ass on him or her.

For starters, the show had not only the geniuses at Renaissance Pictures (Evil Dead, Xena) behind the wheel...but it was Co-Executive Produced by Bruce Campbell. And not only that, but he starred in the damn thing! We, as lowly evolved-from-fallen-tree-monkey-peons were given the heavenly pleasure of a full half hour of Bruce Campbell-y goodness each and every week and we blew it!?! How?!

So, who is to blame? Well, it ain't me, that's for sure. I saw all the episodes. Remember the one where Jack saved Ben Franklin from Blackbeard? Or the one when he went up against his arch enemy Napoleon (brilliantly portrayed by Verne "Mini Me" Troyer)? Or how about the time when Jack...sniff...I'm sorry, I'm getting a bit veclemped here. Well, I blame books. No wait, hear me out. I know that a lot of people think that these "books" are a good thing. That they edjucate & entertain & open up one's imagination to a whole wide wonderful world that otherwise might not be explored. But guess what? All of those people who were reading for that one extra half hour one night a week could have more valuably been spent their time watching Jack Of All Trades. And school. Yeah that's right, I blame school! How many people do you think had a term paper to write or some retarded calculus exam to study for. Have your priorities set straight, people! Do you realize that because of your precious higher learning & edjamucation that Jack is gone! And he ain't coming back people!

The heaviest burden on my heart is for Bruce. I really think we let him down. He gives & gives & gives & how do we repay this lord of the acting profession? We let his show get cancelled! If Sam Raimi doesn't put him in Spider-Man I swear to Satan that I'm gonna just totally flip out! I won't be responsible for my rage induced anger...uh, sorry, I digress.

In closing...congratulations to all of you who supported the greatest show of all time. To those who didn't...shame on you. Next time you're shaking your head at the 37th reality based trapped on an island show, the 53rd multi-million dollar game show or at the fact that some poor fool gave Bette Midler a half hour in prime time, realize that the corner stone of all this horror could have been made a wee bit better if we still had the sexual innuendo laced good times of an evening spent with Jack.

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