Ah, January. My favourite month of the year. The godless holiday season is
over, the Oscar rush has thankfully run its fetid, treacly course, and
there's a fresh, full new year for me to waste watching Italian cannibal
movies on Saturday afternoons once the cartoons are over. And to celebrate
the new millennium, PULP has an extra special issue just jam-packed with fun
the whole family can enjoy. I was feeling particularly creative last month,
so this issue has an extra large dosage of Ash, but we're also happy to
introduce new contributor Batturtle to the fold, who will be tackling the
pressing social concern of Jack of All Trades' cancellation, which as we all
know is the reason children are dying in Africa. However, I don't want
anybody to blame the late arrival of this issue on its extra length. No no,
for the record, it was mostly finished before most of you threw up your
first litre of Labatt 40 this New Year's Eve. However, circumstances beyond
my control led to it being delayed, those circumstances being that God hates
me. Not to reveal too much about my personal life, but my current living
arrangements are not exactly what God, or 'Dad' as I like to call him,
smiles upon, so apparently he has seen fit to bestow upon me the ten deadly
plagues of Egypt. I'm currently on plague six, the plague of repeated
regurgitation, which I personally blame on having to watch Tom Hanks take
his shirt off in Cast Away, but may have something to do with the three-week
old hotdog I was forced to eat when we ran out of beef jerky. Anyway, in
order to appease the man upstairs, I've come up with a list of New Year's
resolutions to help me lead a better and more God friendly life...
- Stop praising the Lord needlessly when there's a new episode of
freakylinks.
- No more reading Anton LaVey books on Sundays
- Stop cursing the Lord needlessly when there's a new episode of Ally
McBeal
- Stop justifying my addiction to deviant porn by saying "Jesus was into
midgets"
- Stop making fun of midgets. On Sundays.
There. That should do it. Now, onto the fun and games...
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