|
|
|
|
|
January 2001
Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
|
Yeah, yeah, I know this isn't a particularly timely review.
Gladiator left theatres a long time ago, and the video release was in October or something,
but I was so moved by Eeyore's glowing review of the film from last issue
that I decided to write a response. Sure, his review may not have seemed
particularly positive to the lay person, nor in fact did it actually have
anything to do with the movie, but you'll notice that he refrained from
actually referring to the film as either 'tripe' or 'bovine excrement', thus
bestowing upon it his highest possible praise. As shocking as it may seem,
however, I beg to differ with his opinion. It's not that Gladiator is a bad
film. As Randy so succinctly put it in Scream 2: Back to Class, "Ridley
Scott rules!" and is incapable of producing a bad movie (for the purposes of
this review I'm choosing to ignore both GI Jane and Legend, which has the
distinction of being the fruitiest film of all time, barring anything made
by Gregg Araki). It is, however, a very stupid film. Gladiator is a period
piece, set in a time when they hadn't yet invented contractions while
speaking. The dialogue is so rich and cheesy you'll clog your arteries if
you listen too closely, and despite repeated viewings I have yet to figure
out why everybody in the Roman Empire has a British accent. It case you
haven't had the pleasure of being intellectually insulted by this movie,
it's about the general who became a slave, the slave who became a gladiator,
the gladiator who became a hero, and the hero who became a busboy at Denny's
after an unfortunate incident involving an underage hooker and an eightball
of cocaine. The gladiator/general/slave/hero/ busboy in this case is played by Russell Crowe, an actor who used to be cool
back when he did Sam Raimi movies and Australian skinhead pictures, but has
now been relegated to hunk o' the month status. Gladiator gives him his best
shot yet at proving himself to be a real actor, and he manages not to
embarrass himself too much, except in one unfortunate scene where he falls
into the Heather Donaghue school of "mucous = emotion" acting, a la Blair
Witch. Another strong performance is turned in by horror movie vet Oliver
Reed, whose credits include the unforgettable Venom and the entirely
forgettable Condorman. In Gladiator, he plays Crowe's R. L. Emery-ian
trainer Proximo, who, despite his gruff exterior, has a heart of gold,
shockingly enough. Speaking of hearts, Reed managed to blow his up halfway
during filming, requiring Ridley Scott to spend several million dollars
creating an digital version of him to finish the film, similar to what he
had to do with Joaquin Phoenix once they figured out he didn't know how to
act. Phoenix plays Emperor Commodus and manages to prove, once again, that
he is the worst person ever. How a mush-mouthed retard manages to
continually weasel his way into respectable motion pictures is beyond me,
but here he is once again. Commodus is evil, as evidenced by the fact that
he wears black mascara and is often shot in low-angle. Phoenix's version of
evil comes off as more whiney than threatening, and his attempt at being
regal is essentially just speaking in an uncomfortably forced English
accent. Which is, apparently, quite in keeping with the times.
|
|
| 
| | 
| 
|
Warning: require(): http:// wrapper is disabled in the server configuration by allow_url_include=0 in /home/public/pulp/includes/footer.php on line 3
Warning: require(http://www.tangmonkey.com/includes/ads.php): Failed to open stream: no suitable wrapper could be found in /home/public/pulp/includes/footer.php on line 3
Fatal error: Uncaught Error: Failed opening required 'http://www.tangmonkey.com/includes/ads.php' (include_path='.:/usr/local/php/8.0.30-nfsn2/lib/:/usr/local/php/lib/') in /home/public/pulp/includes/footer.php:3
Stack trace:
#0 /home/public/pulp/2-2/gladiator.php(94): require()
#1 {main}
thrown in /home/public/pulp/includes/footer.php on line 3
| |
