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Submit to pulp

January 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:Ash makes some New Year's resolutions! Eeyore hates the seventies! The critics' picks of 2000! PLUS: Voodoo Warfare!
Dungeons and Dragons *

Whoever came up with the idea of putting Marlon Wayans and the guy from Child's Play 3 in a movie together needs to take a good long look at his life and kick whatever drugs he's on, because starting now his problems are starting to affect the general populace as well as his liver. Sure, Marlon Wayans may be 'hip' and cool' after starring in last summer's smash hit Scary Movie, but his 'street cred' definitely did not translate well into this film. In no way is Dungeons and Dragons a cool movie. Movies with elves are not cool. Movies that come from what is essentially a needlessly complex board game are not cool. No one would pay to see a $100 million dollar big-screen version of Hungry Hungry Hippos no matter how many In Living Colour rejects they scrape out of the gutter to star in it. Granted, I'm willing to admit that I may be a tad out of touch with what's hip with the kids nowadays. From what I can gather, it appears to be cool to dress and act like an ex-convict member of an LA 'gangta' street gang despite being white and suburban and never getting closer to being hardcore than shoplifting root beer from a 7-11.It's also apparently cool to wear enormous, garishly coloured clothing replete with facial piercing and oversized novelty pacifiers. If you're going with the pacifier look, apparently the cool way to spend an evening is dancing to crappy disco music while popping happy pills you bought from a white-supremacist biker, whereas the cool thing to do for the white suburban gang members is drinking Upper Canada Dark Ale in a parking lot while listening to rap 'n' roll on the walkman your dad bought you for Christmas. But this is all beside the point, which is that though I may not understand what's cool, I know what isn't, and this movie certainly isn't. Firstly, the script is a collage of childish banter and simple, adverb-free sentences, mostly consisting of the noises Marlon Wayans makes when he's trying to be funny. He's not even one of the good Wayans, for crying out loud, as if there even were any worthwhile members of that godforsaken clan of miscreants. Secondly, the story bears more than a passing resemblance to the Star Wars trilogy, except with more 'wise'cracks and bad special effects. In most cases, since Star Wars is pretty much the greatest story ever told, this would be a good thing, but in this particular case it's just blasphemous, kind of like having your favourite poem read to you by a chimpanzee. Thirdly, it's just sad to see Jeremy Irons ham it up on screen. This is a man who has been in some of the finest movies of the last twenty years, from that one about the twin gynecologists to that one about the pederast, and here he is acting like a lunatic hepped up on Evil Ecstasy or something. His eyes are wild, his lips are frothy...it's either rave drugs or rabies, or maybe both. If it is rave drugs, then I guess that would make him cool, now wouldn't it? I stand corrected. This movie is hipper than a XL pastel blue T-shirt with a witty play on a popular ad slogan on the front. Rave on.

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