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January 2001
Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
Dungeons and Dragons *
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Ash
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Whoever came up with the idea of putting Marlon Wayans and the guy
from Child's Play 3 in a movie together needs to take a good long look at his
life and kick whatever drugs he's on, because starting now his problems are
starting to affect the general populace as well as his liver. Sure, Marlon
Wayans may be 'hip' and cool' after starring in last summer's smash hit
Scary Movie, but his 'street cred' definitely did not translate well into
this film. In no way is Dungeons and Dragons a cool movie. Movies with elves
are not cool. Movies that come from what is essentially a needlessly complex
board game are not cool. No one would pay to see a $100 million dollar
big-screen version of Hungry Hungry Hippos no matter how many In Living
Colour rejects they scrape out of the gutter to star in it. Granted, I'm
willing to admit that I may be a tad out of touch with what's hip with the
kids nowadays. From what I can gather, it appears to be cool to dress and
act like an ex-convict member of an LA 'gangta' street gang despite being
white and suburban and never getting closer to being hardcore than
shoplifting root beer from a 7-11.It's also apparently cool to wear
enormous, garishly coloured clothing replete with facial piercing and
oversized novelty pacifiers. If you're going with the pacifier look,
apparently the cool way to spend an evening is dancing to crappy disco music
while popping happy pills you bought from a white-supremacist biker, whereas
the cool thing to do for the white suburban gang members is drinking Upper
Canada Dark Ale in a parking lot while listening to rap 'n' roll on the
walkman your dad bought you for Christmas. But this is all beside the point,
which is that though I may not understand what's cool, I know what isn't,
and this movie certainly isn't. Firstly, the script is a collage of childish
banter and simple, adverb-free sentences, mostly consisting of the noises
Marlon Wayans makes when he's trying to be funny. He's not even one of the
good Wayans, for crying out loud, as if there even were any worthwhile
members of that godforsaken clan of miscreants. Secondly, the story bears
more than a passing resemblance to the Star Wars trilogy, except with more
'wise'cracks and bad special effects. In most cases, since Star Wars is
pretty much the greatest story ever told, this would be a good thing, but in
this particular case it's just blasphemous, kind of like having your
favourite poem read to you by a chimpanzee. Thirdly, it's just sad to see
Jeremy Irons ham it up on screen. This is a man who has been in some of the
finest movies of the last twenty years, from that one about the twin
gynecologists to that one about the pederast, and here he is acting like a
lunatic hepped up on Evil Ecstasy or something. His eyes are wild, his lips
are frothy...it's either rave drugs or rabies, or maybe both. If it is rave
drugs, then I guess that would make him cool, now wouldn't it? I stand
corrected. This movie is hipper than a XL pastel blue T-shirt with a witty
play on a popular ad slogan on the front. Rave on.
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