Another year has come and gone, leaving behind little in its wake but some
blurred memories of Passions episodes and the lurid stench of Reality TV.
But that didn't stop countless film critics for dredging through the mounds
of offal to come up with countless 'Best Of' lists on slow news days, and
I'll be damned if it stops me from filling up valuable empty space. See,
despite the fact that my lack of long-term memory prevents me from
remembering how old I am, let alone what movies came out this year, I pride
myself on coming up with one of these lists at least once a year. Sure, they
may not be accurate, useful, or even on topic, but they're there, which I
contend makes me a legitimate film critic. So, without further ado, here's
my best and worst of 2000.
This was the best 40 minutes of the year.
- Geoff Batchelar
Not technically a movie, but since I could afford neither a Christmas
present nor a birthday present for this fine feathered friend of mine, I
though this would be the least I could do. Now dozens of people around the
city know my shame.
- Battlefield Earthship Troopers
I just like saying the name. Or trying to that is. The only reason I like
this movie is that watching it makes me feel smart. Really, really smart.
- Bring It On
Sure, it may be short on plot, acting, writing, direction, intelligence,
morality, and interest, but it does have cheerleaders. Lots of 'em. Fetish
isn't a strong enough word for what I have.
Since twelve was the age at which I stopped maturing mentally, emotionally,
and yes sadly enough physically, this was the highlight of my movie-going
year. Rest assured that the only reason it languishes at number 5 is that I
just forgot about it until now, and re-writing stuff cuts into valuable
video game time.
Everyone involved in this movie must die. This was not merely a trashy
popcorn flick, a hip and irreverent summer movie for the female bar-hopping
set, or a tragic misstep in John Goodman's career. No no no, this was a
planned, deliberate terrorist act aimed at destroying the world via the
combined concussive force of 10 million moviegoers' heads exploding from the
sheer, brain-destroying stupidity of this flick. The Anti-Christ walks among
us, dear reader, and its name is Coyote Ugly.
- Dungeons and Dragons
This movie was so bad, Marlon Wayans was the highlight of the picture. He
out-acted Jeremy Irons, for Santa's sake.
- Scary Movie
The only funny thing about this movie is the fact that someone thought it
would be a good idea to have two Wayans brothers on screen at the same time.
Oh, wait, that's not funny, it's just depressing and sad. The poor man who
made that decision is obviously emotionally unwell and deserves our pity
instead of our ridicule. Rest assured that if I'm ever elected prime
minister, me and that poor mental defective will have a good long cry
together before I send him off to be sterilized.
- Requiem For A Dream
This is actually an excellent film from indie director Darren Aronofsky.
However, the film's numerous strengths cannot account for the presence of a
Wayans in the 'all star' cast. Granted, it's a non-comedic role, but Marlon
Wayans trying to act is almost as pathetic as Robin Williams pretending to
cry, and twice as irritating.
- Gone in 60 Seconds
Mega-producer Jerry Bruckheimer, who already wasted two hours of my time
this year with the ode to idiocy that is Coyote Ugly, strikes again with
this little picture about the exciting, action-packed world of car thieves.
Unfortunately, the only way Bruckhiemer can convey 'exciting action-packed'
is by hiring an epileptic to edit the picture, making for one seizurific
flick. Plus, the car thieves are played by the handsomely creepy Nicolas
Cage and the whorishly attractive Angelina Jolie, which is not particularly
believable considering most car thieves are either scrawny white guys in
Stone Cold Steve Austin T-shirts or fat balding men named Bubba with stained
tank-tops brandishing a brick in a sock. Not quite so glamorous as the cast
of this film, but infinitely more interesting, if you ask me. So bad, it
should have a Wayans brother in it.
And there you go, a hastily assembled plea for acceptance as a film critic.
Granted, many real critics don't rate films based solely upon how many
Wayans brothers appear, or should have appeared onscreen, but then again
most film critics actually thought Almost Famous was a good movie, rather
that a fairly good commercial paid for by the Please Please Please Give
Dreamworks Another Oscar Fund. So while you may not agree with my list, at
least you'll be disagreeing with a real critic. Now that's classy.