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Jan/Feb/Mar 2002

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
THIS ISSUE!:    Oscar Fever! The Lord of the Rings! Supercrap on the WB!
PLUS: Amelie destroys Western Civilization! And the Coming of the Coreys!
Like a virgence...

Attack of the Clones is about to hit the silver screen, but this here donkey, being a personal friend of George Lucas, was invited down with a few other critters from the hundred acre woods to watch a special screening of the penultimate production prequel in the Star Wars sexology. As we boarded one of the seven specially configured Lucasfilm Leer Jets the stewards were dressed as different characters from Return of the Jedi. There was an Ewok, a rather worn out post-cocaine addiction Princess Lay-ah, and everyone's favorite sociopath of few words - Boba Fett. As the jet moved down the runway we soon discovered why the Boba Fett character was so quiet...he was a member of the El-K-dah TV network looking for an audition to be a stunt man on the last episode of the Star Wars saga. Boba kept shouting - "I want to become bomb! I want to bomb myself on you! Death to Israel and America and all the enemies of Is......Lammmmmm!" At this point we got tired of his monologue so we tossed him out of the plane after descending to 5 000 feet. He was wearing a jetpack after all.

The rest of the flight was fairly uneventful except for the fleas and tics that the Ewok spread amongst the passengers as it tried to mate with our legs and arms. It was then that I made the startling discovery that Mr. Lucas also dabbles in the black arts of genetic manipulation and that the Ewoks are a clever mix of Irish, dwarf and Bonobo chimpanzee with a touch of Care Bear thrown in. A truly cool way to circumvent that friggin' actors' union. Since when did moveable props have rights? As we pulled into the secret location of Skywalker Ranch, I was momentarily stunned. This would be the second last time that I would need to spend time with George. One more episode and my obligation to give him a fair and impartial view of his artifice would be at an end. Relief. Joy. These were the words that were forming inside of me.

Well after ten [an eternity] of socializing and hobnobbing with the lord of eye candy we dropped down the secret tunnel to the IMAX showing room.

The film:

Well it seems the Jedi are going to be hacked down into tiny pieces. Yoda is the real father of Luke Skywalker [talk about a twisted cuckolding]. Samuel Jackson puts in another fine performance as a hit man Jedi. Senator Palpatine [hood on - bad guy and emperor to be/ hood off - good guy senator, it seems so simple] takes over the senate via special powers and the clones really beat the snot out of the Jedi.


The film has a lot of fast moving pictures but the voice of God narrative is tiresome even if the movie is only 1.6 minutes long. All in all, if you don't have to pay for it I give it one hoof up. But remember this endorsement comes from an ass.

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