Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp







Jan/Feb/Mar 2002

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
THIS ISSUE!:    Oscar Fever! The Lord of the Rings! Supercrap on the WB!
PLUS: Amelie destroys Western Civilization! And the Coming of the Coreys!
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An Introduction from Ash


 
Hey kids, remember me? It's your good old uncle Ash, back from his little break in the rubber room and ready to rock and roll, though not necessarily very strenuously. I greatly apologize for PULP's lengthy and unannounced hiatus, but there was little that could be done to rectify the situation. As much as I would like to blame PULP's delay on events outside of my control, like an insane CIA conspiracy theory or interference by the Zionist Occupational Government, the truth is that the blame lies squarely with me. You see, I was feeling a little down after missing the Christmas episode of Dark Angel, so to sooth my spirits I got the bright idea of spending a solid week barricaded in my living room, feasting off of discounted Olympic Big Macs and watching movies with giant snakes in them. The delirium which followed was not unfamiliar to me, as its symptoms closely resemble the time I got psychotic shock from watching the entire Leprechaun series in the span of a single Friday afternoon, but in this specific case it caused me to temporarily believe that I was Gort the robot from The Day The Earth Stood Still. While this may seem harmless enough, one must keep in mind that Gort's sole function is keeping quiet vigil over a spacecraft until his master Klaatu orders him otherwise. Since, by this point, I believed Klaatu to be a somewhat inarticulate 'Silent Screamers' Nosferatu action figure perched atop my television, a toy notoriously incapable of giving orders, it was a while before I snapped out of my reverie. It turns out, unfortunately, that my body was not the steel and iron behemoth I had assumed it to be, and the days of malnutrition had taken their toll, leaving me somewhat incapacitated by stomach ulcers. I tried to nurse myself back to health by eating 79 cent bags of salt and vinegar chips from the drug store and downing 2 liter bottles of Dr. Pepper, but it got to the point that I was throwing up more blood than I was drinking, and it was time to take a little break from the pressures and stresses of life as Ash. Rest assured that I am now back to full health, and am ready to bless the world with yet another dose of PULPy goodness, fresh from the presses and only about three months out of date. So everyone just relax, kick back, and welcome back to the wonderful world of PULP.





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