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Jan/Feb/Mar 2002
Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
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Hey kids, remember me? It's your good old uncle Ash, back from his little
break in the rubber room and ready to rock and roll, though not necessarily
very strenuously. I greatly apologize for PULP's lengthy and unannounced
hiatus, but there was little that could be done to rectify the situation. As
much as I would like to blame PULP's delay on events outside of my control,
like an insane CIA conspiracy theory or interference by the Zionist
Occupational Government, the truth is that the blame lies squarely with me.
You see, I was feeling a little down after missing the Christmas episode of
Dark Angel, so to sooth my spirits I got the bright idea of spending a solid
week barricaded in my living room, feasting off of discounted Olympic Big
Macs and watching movies with giant snakes in them. The delirium which
followed was not unfamiliar to me, as its symptoms closely resemble the time
I got psychotic shock from watching the entire Leprechaun series in the span
of a single Friday afternoon, but in this specific case it caused me to
temporarily believe that I was Gort the robot from The Day The Earth Stood
Still. While this may seem harmless enough, one must keep in mind that
Gort's sole function is keeping quiet vigil over a spacecraft until his
master Klaatu orders him otherwise. Since, by this point, I believed Klaatu
to be a somewhat inarticulate 'Silent Screamers' Nosferatu action figure
perched atop my television, a toy notoriously incapable of giving orders, it
was a while before I snapped out of my reverie. It turns out, unfortunately,
that my body was not the steel and iron behemoth I had assumed it to be, and
the days of malnutrition had taken their toll, leaving me somewhat
incapacitated by stomach ulcers. I tried to nurse myself back to health by
eating 79 cent bags of salt and vinegar chips from the drug store and
downing 2 liter bottles of Dr. Pepper, but it got to the point that I was
throwing up more blood than I was drinking, and it was time to take a little
break from the pressures and stresses of life as Ash. Rest assured that I am
now back to full health, and am ready to bless the world with yet another
dose of PULPy goodness, fresh from the presses and only about three months
out of date. So everyone just relax, kick back, and welcome back to the
wonderful world of PULP.
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