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Jan/Feb/Mar 2002

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
THIS ISSUE!:    Oscar Fever! The Lord of the Rings! Supercrap on the WB!
PLUS: Amelie destroys Western Civilization! And the Coming of the Coreys!
Le Fabuleaux Destin d'Amelie Poulain *

Where here it is, kids, the feel good movie of the year. Provided, of course, sappy, manipulative attempts at being charming makes you feel good. Me, I get kind of sick when I see a cast and crew of adults trying to treat me like a toddler who gets charmed by bright colors and people smiling like they're high on nitrous oxide. Amelie tells the heart-warming tale of a manipulative, alarmingly quirky young Parisian woman, played by Audrey Tautou, who spends her time messing around in other people's affairs, bringing joy to the lives of some and tortuous misery to others. Tautou has apparently been given rather simplistic direction, namely to act 'cute', which she accomplishes by looking at the camera like Ferris Beuller every once and a while and pursing her lips. She also has hair like everyone's 7 year old sister, which I guess is attractive if you're a pedophile. Trying to be cute is like trying to be funny; you either are or you aren't, and forcing it is just embarrassing. In the case of the former, you look mildly retarded, and in the later, you either end up writing repetitive movie reviews on the internet, treading a fine line between shock humor and criminal libel. Clearly, Amelie is intended to be the one of those uplifting, free-spirited happy movies. Nuts to that. No matter what Joel Siegel says, I don't feel like being lulled into complacency by shiny cinematic Soma. Plus, if they want to make the people 'feel good', they're going about it the wrong way. The largest demographic in the movie-going public is the 18-35 male population, in which case pretty much the only way to take their minds off pennant races and rising premium gas prices is pornography. Last I checked, a chick who looks like Strawberry Shortcake and acts like your niece isn't arousing, and if it is, it shouldn't be encouraged. Any why the hell do we want to feel good anyway? These are troubled times of international crisis, greatly distinct from the past times of domestic crisis, economic crises, and the various international crises which preceded it. We should be maintaining a vigilant, warlike attitude at all times, pumping up testosterone levels with Schwartzenegger movies while drastically lowering IQ's with The Fast and The Furious. If we keep watching crap like Amelie, we'll degenerate into blissfully ignorant pushovers, our collective guard so let down Arabs and Arab-looking people will be able to walk the streets freely without fear of racial slurs and gang beatings. And then where will we be? Soon, our previous unicultural, massively intolerant freedoms will be overrun by schwarma stands and corner stores specializing in video transfers. No one will be safe from Middle Eastern cuisine, and people will be able to wear silly, towel-based head gear with impunity. Our ears will be assailed by the rough, throat-cancer laced strains of Arabic tongues, more so than they already are by Boreal-slurred Frenglish, and the perpetual threat of a society with a significant population of bearded men unassociated with bikers will be realized, plunging us back into the turbulent, facial-hair induced social climate of the 60s. This must be prevented at all costs. We cannot allow tolerance, humanity, and multiculturalism to turn us into a society that actually accepts outsiders with simpering idealism and Ghandi quotes. We'll be cannon fodder for the coming New World Order. This must be stopped. And what part can you play in preventing a peaceful revolution so prevalent we all drown in dove shit? Easy! Ignore Amelie, turn off Touched by an Angel, and avoid Jim Carrey's The Majestic like the plague that it is. Take that goddamed U2 CD out of your Discman and put down No Logo, taking care to forget which page you were on. Pretend that you never heard the name Noam Chompsky, or the words 'passive resistance'. I'm not going to tell you to watch Rambo III or The Outlaw Josey Wales, but I won't tell you not to. And after all that, if you're still in too much of a feel good mood, try counting to 2936.

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