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Jan/Feb/Mar 2002
Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
Le Fabuleaux Destin d'Amelie Poulain *
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Ash
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Where here it is, kids, the feel good movie of the year. Provided, of
course, sappy, manipulative attempts at being charming makes you feel good.
Me, I get kind of sick when I see a cast and crew of adults trying to treat
me like a toddler who gets charmed by bright colors and people smiling like
they're high on nitrous oxide. Amelie tells the heart-warming tale of a
manipulative, alarmingly quirky young Parisian woman, played by Audrey
Tautou, who spends her time messing around in other people's affairs,
bringing joy to the lives of some and tortuous misery to others. Tautou has
apparently been given rather simplistic direction, namely to act 'cute',
which she accomplishes by looking at the camera like Ferris Beuller every
once and a while and pursing her lips. She also has hair like everyone's 7
year old sister, which I guess is attractive if you're a pedophile. Trying
to be cute is like trying to be funny; you either are or you aren't, and
forcing it is just embarrassing. In the case of the former, you look mildly
retarded, and in the later, you either end up writing repetitive movie
reviews on the internet, treading a fine line between shock humor and
criminal libel. Clearly, Amelie is intended to be the one of those
uplifting, free-spirited happy movies. Nuts to that. No matter what Joel
Siegel says, I don't feel like being lulled into complacency by shiny
cinematic Soma. Plus, if they want to make the people 'feel good', they're
going about it the wrong way. The largest demographic in the movie-going
public is the 18-35 male population, in which case pretty much the only way
to take their minds off pennant races and rising premium gas prices is
pornography. Last I checked, a chick who looks like Strawberry Shortcake and
acts like your niece isn't arousing, and if it is, it shouldn't be
encouraged. Any why the hell do we want to feel good anyway? These are
troubled times of international crisis, greatly distinct from the past times
of domestic crisis, economic crises, and the various international crises
which preceded it. We should be maintaining a vigilant, warlike attitude at
all times, pumping up testosterone levels with Schwartzenegger movies while
drastically lowering IQ's with The Fast and The Furious. If we keep watching
crap like Amelie, we'll degenerate into blissfully ignorant pushovers, our
collective guard so let down Arabs and Arab-looking people will be able to
walk the streets freely without fear of racial slurs and gang beatings. And
then where will we be? Soon, our previous unicultural, massively intolerant
freedoms will be overrun by schwarma stands and corner stores specializing
in video transfers. No one will be safe from Middle Eastern cuisine, and
people will be able to wear silly, towel-based head gear with impunity. Our
ears will be assailed by the rough, throat-cancer laced strains of Arabic
tongues, more so than they already are by Boreal-slurred Frenglish, and the
perpetual threat of a society with a significant population of bearded men
unassociated with bikers will be realized, plunging us back into the
turbulent, facial-hair induced social climate of the 60s. This must be
prevented at all costs. We cannot allow tolerance, humanity, and
multiculturalism to turn us into a society that actually accepts outsiders
with simpering idealism and Ghandi quotes. We'll be cannon fodder for the
coming New World Order. This must be stopped. And what part can you play in
preventing a peaceful revolution so prevalent we all drown in dove shit?
Easy! Ignore Amelie, turn off Touched by an Angel, and avoid Jim Carrey's
The Majestic like the plague that it is. Take that goddamed U2 CD out of
your Discman and put down No Logo, taking care to forget which page you were
on. Pretend that you never heard the name Noam Chompsky, or the words
'passive resistance'. I'm not going to tell you to watch Rambo III or The
Outlaw Josey Wales, but I won't tell you not to. And after all that, if
you're still in too much of a feel good mood, try counting to 2936.
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