Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

December 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:    Harry Potter, Prince of Darkness! Star Trek! TV Terrors! PLUS: Coca Cola Christ! Literature! and What Ash Really Wants for Christmas!.
Better watch out!
The Eeyore

Ah, my most horrific time of year is once again swinging around. It's a time of pleasantries and a time to bury the hatchet...but not in some crazed lunatic's back. What is it about the syrupy emotional states that this season seems to break out in everyone? Even the non-Christians are not immune. In the world of the film industry this is the season to get touchy feely because commerce is the reason for the season. Now if you think I am on the side of the Lola granola tree hugging anti-WHO [I'll never understand what these urban guerrillas have against that fine pre-punk rock band] demonstrating middle class communists you would be somewhat correct, if your brain had only one percent of its neurons working. I love the consumerism of this age and every other consumer age before, such as last year. I wake up in the morning happy to know that there is a whole world of merchandise that I may someday own. Of course there are some people in the world, Sammy BeenLadIn being one of the worst anti-corporate poseurs ever. Did you see what BeenLadIn was wearing during that Karaoke video that he made? It looked pure Gap-khaki, but my fashion sense may be deceiving me. Speaking of deceptions I recently rented a foreign video called The Girl on the Bridge. In this quaint family film an amateur serial killer that poses as professional knife throwing by night, walks on bridges to find beautiful women who are attempting to commit suicide. He somehow convinces the women that it would be a lot better to act as his stage prop and maybe if he gets unlucky one day they could get lucky with one of his knives. This all sounds very exciting and with a premise like this where could you possibly go wrong?

Ways that a foreign film could possibly go wrong:

  • Speaking a language that is foreign.
  • Talking head scenes that do not involve full frontal nudity.
  • Only one act of violence that lasts for less than one second.
  • Symbolism galore.
  • Having foreign talking props instead of domestic talking props.
  • Not being made by an American production company.
  • A political message that is usually leaning toward the politics of the picket-bearing-stinky-huddled masses that is saving our planet from the really big nasty corporations [except for the Body Shop and Bridgehead].
  • Being made in a foreign country.
  • Being remade into a Hollywood film [Three Men and a Baby is puerile by its very nature Tom Selleck et al]
  • The special effects team buys the fake blood by the liter instead of by the barrel.

The movie falls apart because the knife man never delivers on his promise and we are left with a vacant and hollow feeling in our Roman seeking mindless violence chest. I thought perception was reality but the foreign devils tricked me into renting a film that deceived me with its cover. I've heard Dubya talking about the foreign evil doers and his plans to destroy them. If this plan in any way could bring an end to the terror we experience at the video store where the foreign movie selection takes up precious floor space, then he has the support of a disgruntled Eeyore. I am what I am. A donkey by any other name would smell as sweet.

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