Ah, my most horrific time of year is once again swinging around. It's a
time of pleasantries and a time to bury the hatchet...but not in some crazed
lunatic's back. What is it about the syrupy emotional states that this
season seems to break out in everyone? Even the non-Christians are not
immune. In the world of the film industry this is the season to get touchy
feely because commerce is the reason for the season. Now if you think I am
on the side of the Lola granola tree hugging anti-WHO [I'll never understand
what these urban guerrillas have against that fine pre-punk rock band]
demonstrating middle class communists you would be somewhat correct, if your
brain had only one percent of its neurons working. I love the consumerism of this age and every other consumer age before, such as last year. I wake up in the morning happy to know that
there is a whole world of merchandise that I may someday own. Of course
there are some people in the world, Sammy BeenLadIn being one of
the worst anti-corporate poseurs ever. Did you see what BeenLadIn was
wearing during that Karaoke video that he made? It looked pure Gap-khaki,
but my fashion sense may be deceiving me. Speaking of deceptions I recently
rented a foreign video called The Girl on the Bridge. In this quaint family
film an amateur serial killer that poses as professional knife throwing by
night, walks on bridges to find beautiful women who are attempting to commit
suicide. He somehow convinces the women that it would be a lot better to act
as his stage prop and maybe if he gets unlucky one day they could get lucky
with one of his knives. This all sounds very exciting and with a premise
like this where could you possibly go wrong?
Ways that a foreign film could possibly go wrong:
- Speaking a language that is foreign.
- Talking head scenes that do not involve full frontal nudity.
- Only one act of violence that lasts for less than one second.
- Symbolism galore.
- Having foreign talking props instead of domestic talking props.
- Not being made by an American production company.
- A political message that is usually leaning toward the politics of the
picket-bearing-stinky-huddled masses that is saving our planet from the
really big nasty corporations [except for the Body Shop and Bridgehead].
- Being made in a foreign country.
- Being remade into a Hollywood film [Three Men and a Baby is puerile by its
very nature Tom Selleck et al]
- The special effects team buys the fake blood by the liter instead of by
The movie falls apart because the knife man never delivers on his promise
and we are left with a vacant and hollow feeling in our Roman seeking
mindless violence chest. I thought perception was reality but the foreign
devils tricked me into renting a film that deceived me with its cover. I've
heard Dubya talking about the foreign evil doers and his plans to destroy
them. If this plan in any way could bring an end to the terror we experience
at the video store where the foreign movie selection takes up precious floor
space, then he has the support of a disgruntled Eeyore. I am what I am. A
donkey by any other name would smell as sweet.