There's never a happier time in Hollywood than when the powers that be are
able to exploit something near and dear to children's hearts and gain trucks
full of profit from it. Usually on the agenda, if all goes according to
their evil world domination scheme, that first entails getting the lil' ones
to drag their parental folks out to a movie that mom and dad really don't
want to see 2 or 3 times all that much. It doesn't end there, oh no, my
naïve reader. After leaving the theatre, the little ones whine and complain
until every piece of canned/boxed food in the house features something in
the shape of the movie's characters. Then there's action figures,
board/video games, bed-sheets, posters, watches, shoes...an endless list of
over-priced items that the child will need. Without each and every one of
them, the kid is likely to be ridiculed and bullied by its peers and forced
to drop out of public education in favor of taking up a trade like mining or
locksmithery.
The tinseltown fat cats are especially happy if said project can spawn
sequels or spin-offs. This year is no exception. They've been quite
successful at their game of squashing original concepts in favor for the
easy sell. There have even been a couple of original scripts that were sure
to cause executive producers and studio executives alike to salivate at the
thought of brand new franchises of films, and TV shows after the weekend box
office grosses came in. More bags of money to buy that spare mansion and
extra fleet of Porsches with .
But the two big boys were saved 'till the end of the year, to make the most
of that runaway behemoth known as The Holidays. Two giantly budgeted movies
that studios not only hoped would instigate sequels...but that they
absolutely knew would. In both cases, the second chapters were being worked
on before the first hit the thousands of multi-plexed silver screens across
the globe. Both adapted from books with huge amounts of die-hard fans, just
waiting to throw their hard-earned cash at the clerks. Of course, those two
movies are Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.
The version of Harry Potter that we Canadians get to see is subtitled The
Philosopher's Stone. The version that our Yankee friends to the south got
is called The Sorcerer's Stone. Little did I know of the average American
child's love of sorcery and hatred of philosophy...and vice versa for
Canadian kids. Who knew? The movie stars 3 annoying lil' British kids, the
bad guy from Die Hard, TV's Cracker, a Monty Python guy, Willow (the
midget...not the lesbian babe) and everyone's favorite drunk: Richard
Harris. It's directed by Chris Columbus, who not only helmed such classics
as Home Alone I and II, Mrs. Doubtfire and Stepmom but also discovered
America. In his defense, he also used to write good movies like Gremlins
and Goonies.
The story follows an abused and abandoned young man who is forced to live in
a closet. Then one day a giant comes to his house, kidnaps him and brings
him to a school to teach him about the wonders of witchcraft. From there I
kind of lost track as to what exactly was going on. There was some kind of
flying soccer broom game, a lil' dragon, a big 3 headed dog and a cloak of
invisibility. Then the 3 annoying kids played a giant chess game, and the
one with glasses defeated a guy with 2 faces thanks to a rock that magically
appeared in his pocket. At the end (I think the total running time was
somewhere around 6 hours), all the characters wave at the camera and say
"See you next year kids!". It's made a couple hundred million dollars in
its first 10 days or so. The best part of the movie was when Ewan McGregor
was having this big fight with Jango Fett, and then Anakin's all mad and
says, "It's all Obi Wan's fault!". Uh...well, of course that was actually
the trailer for Episode II. Well worth the price of admission.
Lord of the Rings (with more of a target audience leaning towards the 30
year old, 250 pound comic geeks who live in their parents basements crowd)
hits theatres in December. It's much more promising, considering that it's
directed by someone with actual talent: Peter Jackson. He brought us such
great movies that made no money like Heavenly Creatures, the Frighteners,
and the gore fest masterpiece, Dead Alive. It's sure to be leaps and bounds
better then the pile of traced garbage that was Ralph Bashki's cheaply and
poorly animated version of the tale. I wish I had known that big budget
(meaning good) versions of the stories were being produced. 'Cause man, let
me tell you...getting through those books wasn't easy. Just the willpower
it took to put in the effort to flip from one page to the next was like
reading one of those big rock paged caveman tomes that you see Fred reading
on The Flintstones. Sure, there are lots of cool battle scenes and
monsters...but it's paralleled by a hell of a lot of fruity poetry and
singing (which has thankfully reportedly been completely cut from the
upcoming motion picture). The movie stars the kid from Flipper, that big
dude from Indiana Jones I and III, Magneto, Queen Elizabeth and horror movie
legend and all around cool guy, Christopher Lee. The greedy money grabbing
schemes from Lord of the Rings have already begun to appear. Including my
personal favorite, the Lord of the Onion Rings value combo meal at Burger
King. I'm sure that that's exactly what the late J.R.R.R. Tolkien hoped for
as a legacy. Tasty onion rings.
There's nothing that moviemakers love more than making a glossy,
meticulously planned movie going experience that will cause current and
future generations of people to read less of those dusty, smelly, old,
outdated books. And this winter looks to be a resounding success on all
fronts. I mean, think about it. Do we ride around in horse and carriage?
Do we live in dwellings the likes of Little House on the Prairie? Do doctors
drill holes in their patients heads to let the evil demons out? Does anyone
go to church anymore? No, no ,no and no. So then, why the hell should we as
a society read books? What do you think TV and movies were invented for
anyhow? To make our lives better by causing the overall extinction of the
written word. Congratulations to Hollywood, and good luck with future
endeavors from all your friends at PULP.
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