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Submit to pulp

December 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:    Harry Potter, Prince of Darkness! Star Trek! TV Terrors! PLUS: Coca Cola Christ! Literature! and What Ash Really Wants for Christmas!.
All I Really Want for Christmas

It's Christmas time, and you know what that means. That's right, I get even crankier and, if possible, more misanthropic, spending entire weeks holed up in my apartment, eating Fritos and watching Farscape, refusing to even think about leaving the house until they stop playing Charlie Brown specials on CBC. And what do I do during these cold, lonely months, you ask? None of your business, I reply, failing to see the need to tell you about my complete collection of the Black Carnal Co-Eds video series. Plus, the Christmas months make me cranky enough to resort to domestic terrorism, but in the current social climate that doesn't seem like a good thing to mention. So, for the sake of argument, let's just assume that I spend my time crafting an elaborately detailed Christmas list. We'll ignore for the moment the fact that in order to have a Christmas list, I would need to have either friends or a family willing to associate with me longer than the time it takes to send a check when I spend the rent money on comic books. But, in the hopes that a loyal PULP reader will reach deep into their hearts and pockets and make some of my Christmas dreams come true, here's my Christmas list for the upcoming Holiday Season.

1) A Mogwai. Sure there may be a fairly good chance it'll turn into a Gremlin, or even worse, a bad Scottish pop band, but the little bastards seem agreeable enough to do various menial household chores, which is more than can be said for most girlfriends.

2) A Mole Machine. For those unaware of the possibilities of such a contraption, the spiral drilling device on this tank-like engine is capable of tunneling straight into the Earth at an astronomical speed. While an expedition to the inner reaches of the Earth's core might be way too much work, I do need someplace to bury the bodies.

3) The Heart of Damballa. The infamous artifact that can transfer the soul of a man into a doll. Except instead of a Good Guy toy with Archie freckles and hayseed overalls like Chucky, I think I'll chose something a little more masculine, like maybe a GI Joe, or a green Power Ranger.

4) A Lamont Configuration puzzle. While it may open the gates to hell, it'll make a great conversation piece, since people are getting uneasy talking about my collection of Chinese people.

5) A Wayan brother. I don't actually want one, but the more I own, the less will be available for Scary Movie sequels, and the better the world will be.

There you have it, kids, something to get your Uncle Ash for the holiday season. Don't expect a thank-you card or anything, unless you want it spiked with anthrax.

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