It's Christmas time, and you know what that means. That's right, I get even
crankier and, if possible, more misanthropic, spending entire weeks holed up
in my apartment, eating Fritos and watching Farscape, refusing to even think
about leaving the house until they stop playing Charlie Brown specials on
CBC. And what do I do during these cold, lonely months, you ask? None of
your business, I reply, failing to see the need to tell you about my
complete collection of the Black Carnal Co-Eds video series. Plus, the
Christmas months make me cranky enough to resort to domestic terrorism, but
in the current social climate that doesn't seem like a good thing to
mention. So, for the sake of argument, let's just assume that I spend my
time crafting an elaborately detailed Christmas list. We'll ignore for the
moment the fact that in order to have a Christmas list, I would need to have
either friends or a family willing to associate with me longer than the time
it takes to send a check when I spend the rent money on comic books. But, in
the hopes that a loyal PULP reader will reach deep into their hearts and
pockets and make some of my Christmas dreams come true, here's my Christmas
list for the upcoming Holiday Season.
1) A Mogwai. Sure there may be a fairly good chance it'll turn into a
Gremlin, or even worse, a bad Scottish pop band, but the little bastards
seem agreeable enough to do various menial household chores, which is more
than can be said for most girlfriends.
2) A Mole Machine. For those unaware of the possibilities of such a
contraption, the spiral drilling device on this tank-like engine is capable
of tunneling straight into the Earth at an astronomical speed. While an
expedition to the inner reaches of the Earth's core might be way too much
work, I do need someplace to bury the bodies.
3) The Heart of Damballa. The infamous artifact that can transfer the soul
of a man into a doll. Except instead of a Good Guy toy with Archie freckles
and hayseed overalls like Chucky, I think I'll chose something a little more
masculine, like maybe a GI Joe, or a green Power Ranger.
4) A Lamont Configuration puzzle. While it may open the gates to hell,
it'll make a great conversation piece, since people are getting uneasy
talking about my collection of Chinese people.
5) A Wayan brother. I don't actually want one, but the more I own, the less
will be available for Scary Movie sequels, and the better the world will be.
There you have it, kids, something to get your Uncle Ash for the holiday
season. Don't expect a thank-you card or anything, unless you want it spiked