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Submit to pulp

October 2001

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In this issue:    Spooks, shocks, Satan, and the Return of the Living Eeyore! .
Why I Hate You: Fans of "Rocky Horror"

Now, I know that hate is a strong word. A word that the more politically correct types out there wouldn't see fit to just lightly toss around the way that we at PULP would toss around a new born baby or puppy. But, that's why it's such a great word. A word not to shy away from or tuck away all embarrassed like. If you say, "I hate sushi." people are going to know not to serve you raw fish for dinner. If you say, "I hate Nazis." (& who doesn't really) people are going to know not to invite over that freaky skinhead guy who hangs out in the alley outside the Beer Store to watch your favorite Spielberg movie.

So therefore, I really have no regrets about letting the world know (& by the world I mean the hacker geeks, shut-ins, social outcasts, & prison inmates that subscribe to PULP) that I hate The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And if you're a die-hard fan of this movie (or even just kind of like it), then yes, that means that I do in fact hate you too. No one wants to see a 6 foot tall skinny dude in fish net stockings…much less a whole bunch of them all in the same place. If you are the type of person who likes looking at that kind of the thing, well…you should stay in the below ground S&M clubs of Montreal where you belong. Safely hidden away from productive & useful members of society who don't want to see, smell or think about you.

I remember being a naïve young high school lad of 14 or 15 or so. Being dragged out against my will by my so-called friends to see Rocky Horror for the first time. Attacked from all sides by frightening college losers in copious amounts of makeup & feather boas. Fending off lipstick wielding lemmings trying to scrawl "virgin" across my forehead. Surrounded by an army of Marilyn Manson-esque/Tim "Congo" Curry wannabes dancing about & making fools of themselves. Ducking & dodging out of the way from airborne decks of cards & toilet paper & toast. The last thing that I want to contend with when I go to the movies is multiple pieces of bread being tossed towards my person. You could poke an eye out with one of those things. The only good thing about getting all of these people together in one big cul- like gathering is that it makes them an easier collective target for air raids or arrests. I've never been around more people at the same time that I really wanted to punch.

Very few movies deserve this kind of attention. And those that do feature either Bruce Campbell or lightsabres. Of which this movie has neither. Therefore I ask you, what the hell's the big deal? Any movie that spawns a stage-play that stars Luke "I'm a real actor now 'cause I'm on Oz" Perry & features narration by Jerry "downfall of western civilization" Springer can't be all that great (uhh…I might be making that Jerry Springer thing up…but I'm pretty sure I over heard some guy at a video store saying something to that effect…& in the hallowed journalistic halls of PULP that counts as fact). And what has Rocky Horror done for us lately? Well, the guy who co-wrote the thing was recently seen as one of the stars of Dungeons & Dragons. If there's ever proof to put towards an argument that a person should be sent to a desolated island & dismissed from the human race…being involved in D&D AND Rocky Horror is it. Really, the only way that this movie should have garnered cult status is if the fine folks at Mystery Science Theatre 3000 had lampooned it. Which they didn't.

So, what's the big deal then? What causes human beings who are theoretically otherwise normal & productive members of society to freak out at the prospect of singing along to a movie starring such bottom-of-the-barrel thespians as Meatloaf? Well, I think it's the same reason a group of 8 hockey fans would paint S-E-N-A-T-O-R-S across their collective chests. The same reason that a 40 year old who lives in his parents basement, hasn't ever touched a girl & looks like the comic store guy from The Simpsons thinks that it's a good idea to throw on a pair of Spock ears & head down to the convention hall. That reason… people are morons. That's right. It's that simple. Do you know how badly morons outnumber smart folks? It's astronomical. In fact, very few of you reading this article aren't morons. Most of you are complete idiots. Do you smoke? Watch Charmed & think that it's just as good as Buffy? Think that Tom Green is the funniest thing to cross the borders of Canada to take up residence in the States? Have you ever participated in a Greenpeace-like protest? Do you look forward to going to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show on the big screen on a regular basis? Then guess what my friend…you're a moron. I know that that's a bit of a harsh prospect to be faced with…but it's true. And guess what? In most cases there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Education, study, literature…in most cases it doesn't matter or make the tiniest bit of difference. A moron is a moron despite what may seem like any type of promising form of learning or social stature. You might as well just keep quiet & do your best to stay out of the way of the rest of us.

So, to reiterate…if you enjoy the Rocky Horror Picture Show, I (a) hate you & (b) think you're a moron. Happy Halloween everybody!!!

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