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October 2001

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In this issue:    Spooks, shocks, Satan, and the Return of the Living Eeyore! .
STAR WARS: EPISODE 4.1 - A New Jihad
X- The Geoff With The X-Ray Eyes

Right now the world over pundits are searching for answers, for reasons, for understanding about the cataclysmic situation in which we now find ourselves. We are told that terrorists are motivated by hate of freedom, by fear of progress, by anger over US foreign policies. It is a pile of convoluted nonsense. Sit round, gentle reader, and be enlightened. Let me tell you what's really going on, and how it all started, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

You know the crawl. The familiar yellow letters creeping across a star field proclaiming the beginning of a galactic epic. "It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire." Or is it a galactic epic? Let's bring it closer to home. "It is a period of global chaos. Rebel aircraft, striking with a hidden agenda, have won their first victory against the evil American Empire."

It is my contention that the events of September 11 were laid out on celluloid in 1977. The parallels between the Rebel Alliance and the Al-Qaeda, between the Empire and the United States, are just to striking to be coincidence.

Point 1: Osama bin Laden is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Hermit-like recluses, holed up in desert caves, followers of an ancient religion, bearded, mysterious, clad in robes.

Point 2: Mohammed Atta is Luke Skywalker. Both are talented pilots trained for an ideological war by their mentors.

Point 3: Yavin 4 is Afghanistan. Formally insignificant areas which become the focus of the last battle.

Point 4: The Rebels attack from hiding, lashing out at the Empire because they do not agree with its principles, just as Al-Qaeda lashes out at the US. Often, both Rebels and Al-Qaeda operatives are hiding in plain sight, as trusted members of their communities, waiting until they are called upon by their superiors to act.

Point 5: In the Rebels greatest attack, talented pilots, many trained at the Empire's own Academy, attack the Empire. In Al-Qaeda's greatest attack, many pilots, most trained at schools within America, are utilized.

Point 6: The Rebels are rallied around the teachings of a mysterious religion, one not understood fully by the Empire or its peoples. Al-Qaeda too has its troops rally around a religion not understood by its foes.

These are the strongest similarities, but it does not end there. After the attack, did the US not track down their foes to their desert layer before carpet bombing them into extinction? And did not the Empire track down their foes to Alderaan, blasting that planet apart in an attempt to seek vengeance?

The real question remains, though, why base a global terrorist effort after a group of fictional terrorists from a Sci-fi movie? I offer two scenarios.

1) The Geek Gone Bad: Look at bin Laden. Scrawny. Kind of femmey. Those soulful eyes, those lanky features. This guy was a total geek as a kid. And I bet he loved Star Wars. He loved it more than anything. And as he was raised in and around Western culture most of his life, I bet he took more than one punch for being who he was. His whole life and the attacks of 9-11 are a global Columbine. He's lashing out at the world for beating him up. Why did he wait? I propose that Phantom Menace drove him over the edge (see my award winning essay "The Madness of King George" from two months ago and amplify the geek angst in that a thousand-fold). The time frame is about right for him to have seen TPM and immediately set about organizing the attack. Now he sits out there in the desert awaiting the 'Stormtoopers' of the US army, like some nut-bar Obi-Wan Wannabe. I can only say I am surprised he chose Afghanistan instead of Tunisia, where the actual desert of Tatooine can be found. I suggest instead of concentrating on his desert whereabouts we start looking for him in the Arctic, or a big swamp. That's where he'll hole up next.

2) George Lucas is a Bondian Super-Villain: George has all the money. His richer than a dozen Oprahs. But it is not enough. The taste of power is one far too sweet to just moderate. It must be guzzled. And when his power was almost taken from him after the negative reception of TPM, Lucas went round the bend. Where do you think all that merchandising money went? That's right, straight to the mujihadeen, the Afghani Warriors for Heaven. And to Al-Qaeda. George was buying his own private army to strike back at a world that rejected him. And he's getting away with it clean by having his army take the fall like patsies. Take a good hard look at Osama bin Laden. He's CGI! A creation of ILM. ILM…add a couple of letters…IsLaM! Islam! It's all right here, people! George Lucas somehow manipulated Time itself to have the religion of Islam spring up so that he could one day manipulate it as his own puppet of vengeance. Crazy, you think? George Lucas is rich, my friends. And the rich can do anything. If this turns out to be true, I can only shudder at what might happen if we don't all love Episode 2.

It saddens me somewhat to find these connections between Star Wars and 9-11. All these years, I have been cheering a group of terrorists as they go about the business of destroying the (like it or lump it) legitimate governing body of their milieu. And now in the real world I am being called upon to support the Empire. Is it any wonder that all the kids are marching with peace signs, calling for an end to the US's campaign? They know how this is going to end. A bunch of cuddly, teddy bear people will die needlessly.

No one wants that.

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