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October 2001
Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
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This should come as no surprise to regular readers of PULP, but Halloween is my favorite time of year. Not only are there candy, costumes, and a plethora of Vincent Price movies on TV, but it's the only time of year where I can go out in public without getting called a 'goth' by a drug-dealing degenerate in a Wu-Tang T-shirt. Historically, Halloween is an ancient holiday, harkening back to 1957, when a disillusioned girl scout looked up 'druid' in the dictionary and started burning incense to please Mother Gaia. Druids, also known as 'pagans', 'satanists', and 'Muslims', are ancient Celtic practitioners of a religion known as 'Wicca', which, as far as I can tell, consists mainly of whining about misrepresentation and running magic shops. Modern Wicca, or 'evil', as its adherents refer to it, is widely misunderstood and often vilified in pop culture. Films like The Craft and The Blair Witch Project have often inflamed the Wiccan community, causing then to indignantly sputter so loudly they blow out their beeswax candles and ruin the whole fertility ritual. Far from the cruel, power-hungry witches portrayed in these films, Wicca is actually a peaceful religion, much more concerned with prancing around naked in the woods than with infanticide and world domination. However, the public in general is more inclined to believe the myth of the cackling, wart-infested hag than the truth, which is that most witches have their warts removed at an early age. In the interests of promoting greater understanding of the Wicca community, and therefore a greater acceptance of the religion in general, I've attempted to debunk certain myths about the belief, in the hopes that you, the reader, will become more tolerant of these noble people.
MYTH #1: Wiccans worship the devil.
TRUTH: This is completely untrue. Wiccans, contrary to popular belief, are polytheistic, meaning they worship several devils. These various incarnations of the Great Satan include Lucifer, Moloch, Mammon, Naomi Klein, and Tori Amos.
MYTH #2: Wiccans eat children.
TRUTH: Once again, a total fallacy. They merely kill the children, usually in a giant cauldron, boiling off their skins and using them as material for fine leather suits. Hence, the Halloween tradition of dressing up in elaborate costumes.
MYTH #3: Wiccans hate men.
TRUTH: This myth couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, since many Wiccans embrace matriarchal and feminist belief systems, many of them even look like men, as long, flowing beards and leg hair are considered signs of devotion to their evil fertility gods.
MTYH #4: Wiccans can cast curses.
TRUTH: Unlike the others, this is more of a half-truth than an outright lie. While Wiccans can cast curses, their earth mother Goddess is usually too busy watching My Best Friend's Wedding for the fortieth time to bother with their prayers. Plus, even if She did get off her fat can and stopped eating Pot of Gold chocolates long enough to cast a hippie spell on us, the worst that could happen is that we'd start buying mood rings and phoning Cleo's Psychic Hotline to help us decided what to wear to the prom.
MYTH #5: Wiccans want to destroy us all.
TRUTH: It's important to stress here that Wicca is at its heart a peaceful religion. It preaches love, tolerance, something called 'empathy', and a bizarrely unattractive fashion sense. Not all Wiccans fly around on broomsticks killing cattle and disemboweling student filmmakers, just most of them. So it's important not to blame the entire community for the actions of the vast majority. If you happen to see a Wicca on the street, easily identifiable by their sickly, clearly vegetarian complexion and lengthy fangs, don't overreact and do something crazy like burning them at the stake while carpet bombing the forest outside of Burkitsville, Maryland. Just relax, keep whatever intolerant feelings you might have at bay, and hand the pagan over to the proper authorities, who no doubt have better, more efficient stakes.
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