Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

October 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:    Spooks, shocks, Satan, and the Return of the Living Eeyore! .
Dogs in Love

Wow the emails have been under whelming! The first issue of Pulp hit the newsstands last month without an article from the Eeyore...where were you when that issue of Pulp was released? It will be a day to remember, much like big brother Kennedy's assassination, or maybe garbage day. Now before you get all charged up about this and want to crucify my editor, I want you to realize that it was not my fault that I was absent from the news world. Ash had suspended me without pay for the entire month of September for conduct unbecoming a member of the PULP Corporation. My WordSmithnWesson License was removed and I roamed the streets trying to buy myself a new muse with the five ALF pogs I bought with my remaining life savings of Canadian Tire Money.

While roaming the underworld I was fortuitous enough to run into a video store that allowed the homeless to walk around for two or more hours pretending to look for a video. I experienced double luck as a foreign film masterpiece was playing as I sat on the moldy carpet picking up the odd popcorn kernel left by the kindly patrons exiting the store.

Well salvation came my way in quick time as I was treated to the sight of dogs ripping each other to shreds while fat ugly foreign speaking gentlemen drank back wash filled beer, while smoking cigarettes lingered from their crusty mouths. The dogs really stole the show! The movie is called Amores Perres or something like that - all I know is the English translation said something about Love and female dogs. As near as I could tell the dogs were not too much in love with each other since after each encounter one of the dogs lay on the concrete bleeding from his neck. Now you may have made the assumption that this film was primarily about dogs tearing each other apart, but that would not be a fair assessment. There is a hit man who helps lost dogs find their place in the world as he is hired to kill the odd person for money to keep himself stocked up in dog chow.

Another part of the film deals with two brothers that want to rip each other's vital organs out but they can't because their mother is in the way and the one brother is having a twisted extramarital affair with his sister-in-law. They reminded me a lot of those fun loving guys Cain and Abel but for some reason that I can't fathom the writer called them Octavio and "thingie".

There is a model that has a pet dog and a pet lover that recently ditched his wife and kids to shack up in a poorly constructed condominium with said model. The condo is in such bad shape that the ugly little Kleenex-dog falls through a hole in the floor and is slowly eaten by rats over the course of a few weeks. During this time the model gets in a car accident with Octavio and one of the fighting dogs. After the accident she eventually loses her leg and finally is reunited with her half-eaten dog.

Meanwhile the hit man picks up the fight dog from Octavio at the scene of the car accident and brings him back to his house were the ungrateful mutt kills all of the hit-man's dogs when the hitman goes out for a quick murder. Now this may all seem like a lot of non-sequitors and it is, but at least it provided me with the strength that I needed to see that all the answers are in the movies. Finally I understand what it means when people say it is a dog eat dog world, and all of those other moronic clich├ęs. They have no deeper meaning - they are fundamental truths that need no interpretation. It obviously is a dog eat dog world, and it's about time the animal rights people stepped in and put a heavy duty friggin muzzle on all those mangy mutts. Criminy, what will happen to all of the dog food providers if someone doesn't put a stop to this trend?

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