Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

Spring 2000

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How To Be Cool

Now if there’s one thing I know, it’s kids today. I may be fifty-four years old and exceedingly curmongeonly, but I’ll be damned if I’m not hip. I know what’s going on, I know the score. I’m hip to the cellular beepers and the hip-hop raves with their XTC (remember kids, always use clean needles!). And if there’s one thing I know about kids today, it’s that each and every one of them wakes up in the morning thinking "how can I be more like that devilish wit known only as Ash?". Seeing as you folks have given me so much in terms of not spitting on me too much when you see me in the halls, I’ve decided to take up some of this valuable ad space to share a little bit of my infinite wisdom with you. However, as you read the following rules and regulations designed to mek you more like me and therefore much cooler, keep in mind that there can only be one Ash, and that any attempt made to replace me will result in a slow and painful death via paper-cuts and sassy remarks. Here goes, Ash’s Ten Tips To Being Cool...
  1. Never say you’re sorry, apologies are for the weak-minded
  2. Sloth is a skill, not a sin
  3. The Great Outdoors is not all it’s cracked up to be. No cable.
  4. Always look like you fell asleep at a funeral and just woke up
  5. Music isn’t music unless it’s got guitars and Satan
  6. There’s nothing quite like the smell of fresh napalm in the morning
  7. Don’t repeat yourself. It’s redundant
  8. Sloth is a skill, not a sin
  9. Subtitles are for losers. If I wanted to read, I’d buy a comic book
  10. Film is art. Theatre is life. Television is furniture. And I’m sure as hell not living in an unfurnished home.
There you go kids, ten reasons to live. Don’t go spending them all at once, and don’t forget to look both ways before crossing the street.

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