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Easter 2000

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Well, kids, here it is, our Easter issue. You know the usual drill for an issue like this: I make a few warm-up jokes, usually at the expense of someone no-one likes, like midgets or the Irish, then launch into a tirade about the Jesus Bunny and how Easter commemorates his death on the cross for the terrible sin of possessing chocolate with the intent to distribute. However, it’s well past midnight, and I’ll be damned if I’m spending any more time on this issue, so you’re out of luck. Cry me a river.
 
 
‘Tis true, the raven doth not hatch a lark.
Eeyore

 
It finally happened... I’ve been Titanic’d. It took two grueling nights, but the curs’d deed is done. Leonard has come a long way since Gilbert Grape! His portrayal of the artsy country bumpkin was monumental! Three frozen thumbs up - you’ve you raised the bar into the stratosphere... ah... ahhh... finally the hyperbolic hormones of my limbic system have shut down and I can reason once again. That always happens to me when I hear more than a few notes sung by Celine Dion.
Dear James Cameron:

SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!and a thousand more of those. What were you thinking? Is this Sarah Connor’s fault? I really can’t believe that this is all of your own free will.

"Terminator" was a well-crafted love story, but this movie didn’t even have an exploding head. There were many opportunities for violence related comedy and you dropped the ball. I have enjoyed many of your movies, in one sense I think I know you at a level of cinematic intimacy that finally allows me to give you some constructive criticism along with the vindictive, brimstone and treacle I usually throw at my reviewees.

In order for you to be able to follow through in an expedient manner with these suggestions, I have arranged them in a way that will allow you to check them off as you go back to the edit suite.

[Criticism] Kate Winslet is older (a lot older than Leonard and 250 pounds of make up is not going to change a twenty year age difference).
[Suggestion] Cut out all of the scenes with Kate, except maybe one (please contact Ash and regarding the scene and have tell him nekkid is spelled with an extra ‘k’ (Also go here to see and hear Kate defend her public exposure addiction.)

[Criticism] The scene where the steerage deck is filled with panicking people is mondoschadenfreude, in particular the scene with the Syrian couple that is knee deep in water trying to use a dictionary to read the exit sign, however I think you missed a major sub-plot that you could have developed here.
[Suggestion] In the movie "True Lies" you had the stereotypical Arab men trying to blow up the corrupt Western world and good olde former Austrian [beware of the former Austrians] Arnie saves the world. Why not have this character as a secret agent that Leonard fights to the death underwater?

[Criticism] I believe there was at most one milk bag of blood in the entire movie!
[Suggestion] The scene with the officer holding a six shooter hand pistol should have been changed to Romanian AK47. I realize this is a tad of an anachronism, however, the public is so ignorant they wouldn’t know whether this was even a period piece.

James these are just a few of my suggestions and I realize that they may come as a bit of a shock to you, however, please be strong and trust your former shallow tendencies.

Yours truly,
Eeyore







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