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Easter 2000

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Well, kids, here it is, our Easter issue. You know the usual drill for an issue like this: I make a few warm-up jokes, usually at the expense of someone no-one likes, like midgets or the Irish, then launch into a tirade about the Jesus Bunny and how Easter commemorates his death on the cross for the terrible sin of possessing chocolate with the intent to distribute. However, it’s well past midnight, and I’ll be damned if I’m spending any more time on this issue, so you’re out of luck. Cry me a river.
The Insider ****

This Oscar-nominated film is the gripping tale of the biggest public health reform issue in US history, as well as serving as the background for the largest corporate malfeasance suit to ever take place. I know, I was excited about seeing it, too. There’s nothing like corporate malfeasance to really get my blood pumping. It’s a miracle they managed to cram so much drama, so much edge-of-your-seat excitement in to just eight solid hours of guys talking on phones. Whoever thought a story about Big Tobacco could ever possibly be entertaining is probably the kind of person who just squirms with suspense at all those Merchant-Ivory period pieces. As exciting as telephone conversations are, I’d much rather see a real movie as opposed to a radioplay on film. And speaking of telephones, why exactly is it that nobody ever says goodbye on the phone in the movies? They always just hang up simultaneously at the end of random sentences. Granted, I’m not the expert on phone etiquette, since I have tendency to say both ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ using the same profanity (it’s like ‘aloha’), but that seems to me to be a little rude. Anyway, The Insider is actually a pretty good movie, I guess, if you go for the sort of film that doesn’t involve brain-eating zombies, but I don’t think that segment of the population is large enough to warrant making such an expensive movie. As the title suggests, The Insider is about a whistle-blower who works on the inside of some tobacco company whose name escapes me who sets up an interview with 60 Minutes. Starring Russell Crow, who you may remember from such classic Sam Raimi movies as The Quick and The Dead, and Al Pacino, who you may remember from any movie that ever required immense over-acting and a lot of yelling, the movie manages to make a story about tobacco companies and televised news seem worth watching, although I assure you, nothing can be more fascinating than The Wings of the Dove.

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