Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

April 2000

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
We’re back at last! Did you miss us? Didn’t think so. Anyway, we’re back just in time to miss April fool’s day, so be on the watch for plenty of wacky, Kaufman-esque pranks throughout this issue! Shakespeare takes on Hannibal Lector!   Cuba Gooding Jr. continues his quest get his Oscar stripped away! PLUS: ASH gets pissed off and rants for a full page! Oh Boy! All this and more more MORE!
A story full of pus...

Somebody has got to do something about the ugly, pernicious, sinful, and sickening movies that are being made nowadays! Conan and Stalelone may just possibly be a few of the Knights of the Round Table that will lead us into the enlightened country if they are given the political will of the English speaking world. Together will take on the Prince of Puerile and save the kingdom, plus make the free world a Democrat-Free Zone [Willy will be all locked up]. Now, before you ignore me again [for the 35th time! {That is way too many freaking issues of pulp (What about all that paper that has gone to waste > This is to prevent a corporation from being taken advantage of, such as the fine crafts-humans at McDonald’s who produce that yummy life-affirming gruel.)) It wasn’t an outfit - he was born that way.}} Unfortunately, he was right on that point, but everything else he that he said was udder bovine solid excrement.]] I know what you mean, they kinda over-served their purpose from an evolutionary perspective.> Pulp is not made with paper! It is made from recycled toilet paper.) [Ed’s note: Eeyore has gone mad. Before we put him down, we learned that this article is allegedly about ‘The Sixth Sense’. We don’t believe it] What horrible curse has befallen the land of the righteous, the brave, the peaceful, the ordered, and the well governed? A completely sick video is now available at all of the stores across the land, and like a sickly rhinovirus, it will make its way into the interstitial spaces of the cells of true-blooded Americans {and Canadians too!} everywhere and the damage will be permanent! Americans will feel their trigger-fingers getting itchy. Canadians will sneer at more Canadians and Americans. Why? Violence withdrawal! Bruce Willis made a movie where he didn’t kill, maim, kick, punch, or shoot anyone! I’m serious. Whatever you do, don’t watch that movie - with out the necessary dose of ultra-violence in your movie diet you could experience severe post-aggression fits. I’ve been in therapy for the past few weeks because of this and that is the main reason that Pulp 34 took such a long time to hit the street.

Yours truly, Eeyore contra mundum.
P.S. I just learned what the word segeuway means!
P.P.S. If you are silly enough to watch that Bruce Willis movie look for the scene where the continuity person really screws up. As the camera switches back and forth between Bruce and Michelle at the dinner table, Bruce’s wineglass keeps emptying and filling itself up. That was best scene in this entire nightmare.

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