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April 2000
Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
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This has got to be the stupidest movie I have ever seen, and keep in mind that I’ve seen Chopper Chicks In Zombie Town. Twice. The premise, which appears to have been thought up by five year olds with ADD, has Skeet Ulrich and Cuba Gooding Jr, or as I call them, the Dream Team, stumbling on to a combination virus/bomb (that’s new) through a set of wacky circumstances that would keep you on the edge of your seat had you not seen them thirty five times before. But the high (read: ludicrous) concept that fuels this picture is that the bomb must be kept at fifty miles per hour, or the bus will explode, and Sandra Bullock will never be able to destroy her career with Speed 2: Cruise Control. So really it’s a good thing. What actually happens is that the bomb is temperature sensitive, and must be kept at under 50 degrees Fahrenheit. I’d call it Speed on ice, but I have a nagging suspicion someone else may have noticed the similarities. So this temperature thing essentially has us spending most of the movie with the Dream Team tooling around in an ice cream truck, which would be interesting and quirky were it not really really boring. Fortunately, not only are the Dream Team painfully bad actors, they’re of different races, which leads to no end of hilarity with their constant jibing and humorous asides. I haven’t laughed that hard since my cat died. As an added bonus, the virus/bomb/cheap plot device is code-named ‘Elvis’, which spawns a whole slew of knee-slapping jokes that make you just want to kill the Hollywood script machine. Speaking of scripts, there a rather nifty technique that is often used in movies in which a character says or does something early in the film that comes back in the final real to haunt/save them. This can be quite effective in tying everything together, unless of course you do it every five freakin’ minutes, in which case it becomes very effective for the screenwriters, in that they only have to write half a script since it all gets repeated anyway. I know I may seem a little bitter about this movie, but that’s because the only reason I rented it was to see one of those cool hovercraft thingies that goes on ice, but it turns out I got this confused with another crappy action movie that made no money, Chain Reaction, which as you may recall starred Keanu Reeves as a scientist, a leap of faith so high-concept it’s in the stratosphere. My favorite part of the movie is of course the crew of villains, all of whom you’ve seen at least thrice before. You’ve got the cut-throat hardcore ninja chick, with the prerequisite platinum blonde hair of course, the villainous computer geek, spectacled yet dangerous nonetheless, and last but not least the fearless leader, an all-American ex-army guy who was turned sour by the immoral deeds he had to perform in service of his country. Yeah, I’ve seen The Rock too, but at least in The Rock the all-American army guy didn’t have a faintly German accent, which is about as all-American as sushi. My advice, just drink a bottle of cough syrup, watch The Rock and Speed, and when you wake up it’ll all have blurred together into this mess. Reading over this review, I have a nagging suspicion that may have been what I did.
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