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Dear Dan Delerium
2.2.2004 by Dan, every Monday.


Dear Dan,

Did an artist by the name of Kevin Karstens recently draw you a picture of the Super-Deformed Abraham Lincoln that was mentioned in this column?

Sincerely,
Gratuitous Question Man

Dear GQ Man:

Yes, this is true. You can see the finished product here.


Dear Dan:

What is the meaning of life? Nothing makes sense anymore!!

Dude

Dear Dude:

Well, it's really quite simple. You see, life begins when babies are shot out of their mothers in a process called labor. And as you know from economics class, "labor" is physical exertion for gain. Of course, “Gain” is a laundry detergent. And detergents are used to get your whites their whitest, so that all the other housewives don't kick in the door and mock your laundry skills. But when they're not out mocking other housewives, a housewife will invariably watch soap operas. Soap operas always have plotlines involving evil twins, and of course the most famous evil twins of all are the Olsen Twins. Now, biblical prophecy clearly states that the Olsen Twins are heralds of Beelzebub, out to corrupt the minds of our youth. However, they are not very good at this since all of our youth listen to rap music on MTV. A simple glance at MTV will show you that they are showing another "Real World" marathon, and we all know that the "Real World" is the place for which our teachers always claimed they were preparing us in order to teach us that the ancient Egyptians liked cats. "Cats," is, of course, a popular musical show featuring actors prancing about a stage wearing leotards and the fur of rare animals. The rare animals are therefore naked, and the subject of much derision in the animal kingdom. The animal kingdom is ruled by a lion named Simba, who is of course owned by Disney. And since Disney's main purpose is to make money, it's now quite clear that the meaning of life is to give Disney money.


Dear Dan:

I know that you occasionally like to have a serious letter to answer, so I decided to write you. I am an alcoholic heroin-addicted teenage mother with type LXVIII Luekoschlerosis of the Outer Liver and was tricked by Nigerian scam artists into assuming all 7.4 billion dollars of Nepal's national debt. My parents are being held in the Guantanamo Bay facility for illegally downloading a “New Kids on the Block” song and my brother compulsively wears mismatched socks. I was fired from my part-time job at Burger King for refusing to give my boss an ankle massage and am now living in a refrigerator box at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, which makes my nose cold. My cat is incontinent and I've had to hock my nipples for drug money. In fact, I've only five minutes left to live and I've spent them all ARRRGGGHH

Bummed-Out in Baltimore

Dear Bummed:

First of all, my sincerest and deepest condolences to your family on your presumably untimely death. My advice is: Cheer up! Having a bad attitude will never get you anywhere. I mean, if you want any sort of real future, you need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and put your nose to the grindstone! Do you think Martha Stewart got where she is today by just giving up when the terrorists took over the Nakatomi Building? Hell no! She got a machine gun and waged a one-woman war against those scumbags that ended with her shoving the dude that plays Snape off the top of a building! Now I ask you, have YOU shoved someone off the top of a building lately?


Dear Dan:

I have a dreadfully serious problem. For months now, I've had the song “Let's Give 'Em Something To Talk About” by Bonnie Raitt stuck in my head, looping over and over. I have decided to destroy my frontal lobes via hatpin to make the incessant horror stop, but I've decided to ask your opinion as a last-ditch effort.

How About Love, Love

Dear Howie:

Oh you poor, poor dear. My deepest sympathies to you over this terrible, terrible trial visited upon you. Hopefully the U.N. will grant me an audience to hear my proposal for banning that mental toxin from human culture forevermore. Until then, I can only offer this: “we all live in a yellow submarine.”


Dear Dan:

Could you please give me directions to Mount Royal Way?

Disoriented

Dear Disoriented:

No.


Dear Dan:

If you could be an 18th Century Austrian composer, which would you be, and why?

Baffled in the Bronx

Dear Baffled:

I am so sick of answering this question. For the last time: Salieri, for he was a great influence on the Viennese and world musical scenes both by virtue of his own work and by his tutoring of such luminaries as Beethoven and Mozart.


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