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Battles
10.2.2003 by Adam.


I stood, poised, like a gladiator of old. In one hand, I wielded my scrub pad, Bri’lo, the pad with the power to cleanse evil and unite all that is holy. The other, Dawn, the lightbringer. I wore no armor, it would only be a hindrance at this point. I was protected only by my will to clean.

Two weeks ago I moved out of my home, and into an apartment. It was already occupied, by my boss’ former roommate. The rent was cheap, cheap enough that a battle to the death could be overlooked. My nemesis? Mike’s enduring will to never clean anything.

I put it off as long as I could, training myself in the various arts of martial arts, swordplay, and Comet. Those two weeks were hard, but not as hard as what was to come.

The moment of truth was upon me, and I armed myself. It was now or never, and I wasn’t about to back down. Into Kitchen I strode, knowing full well I may not make it out alive. There were things there, things that shouldn’t be alive. Things that no man has ever faced before. Only through will, perseverance, and a little bit of psychosis could see me through.

I came upon the Guardian of Kitchen, a being composed entirely of dirty dishes. It let out a sound that, were I to repeat it, it would cause you to flee your computer in abject terror. I went on the offensive, immediately thrusting with Bri’lo for the heart of the beast. It countered with a thousand sharp forks, thrusting their vile poisons deep into my veins. I screamed as the toxins coursed through my body, but I would not be stopped, and I returned with a blast from Dawn. The being screamed with rage, and once more attacked, wielding a juicer coated in maggots. However, it was no avail. My antibacterial powers had triumphed.

Or so I thought.

Slor’s minion, Crumb, attacked me from behind. It wielded no weapons, just a powerful one two combo punch from both the George Forman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine’s it had drafted for hands. I regained my feet, knowing it was now or never. I called upon a companion of my own, Kenmore. Known in some parts as “The washer of dishes”, he put a quick end to Slor, while I dealt the final blows to Crumb with my trusty pad.

Delving further into the labyrinth, I came upon a dark place, filled with all manner of vile undead things. They moaned at me, thirsting for my blood. As powerful as Bri’lo is, it’s of no use on the undead. Cursing my luck, I reached for my Trashbag of Holding. I hated to lose it, but there was no other way. I captured each of the foul things in the bottomless bag and sealed it tight, never to let the living dead walk this earth again.

After a short time, I came to the heart of the maze. It was a vile place, coated with black slime and filled with all manner of evil bug known to man, a large cylinder at it’s center. From the evil totem grew tendrils of black. Tentacles of pure evil, coated with fly eggs and Satan’s feces. No man could have stood before this monstrosity and lived.

Noone but I.

I attacked, it parried, it attacked, I dodged. Blow after blow after blow was struck. Neither it, a being composed of pure evil, nor I, the champion of the light, could gain upper hand. It struck like a whip with a filth appendage, I countered with a blast from Dawn. We battled throughout the night and into the following morning. But with my bottle running low, and my stamina depleting, I feared that the darkness may triumph. However, with the early rays of the morning sun piercing the black heart of the labyrinth, I felt power renewed, and decided it was time to call upon my ultimate attack.

“Comet Strike”, I shouted, and with a thrust from my pad, I crushed the heart of darkness, forever bringing peace back to the land of Kitchen.

A thousand young maidens came to praise my name. The king of the land asked me to stay and succeed him, marrying his young and lovely daughter. But I knew I would never be home there. My place was in battle. It was time for me to move on. Move on to the land of Bathroom.




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