About the Author

Column Archive

Cleanup In Aisle 13
9.22.2003 by Dan, every Monday.

It is a well-established and undisputed fact that Man eats stuff. This has been accepted for many decades. Maybe longer. If you were to sit down and think back over your life, you could probably come up with several instances where you have eaten something. You may also remember that incident where you got the mild food poisoning from buying your lunch on Macaroni and Mayonnaise day and ended up emitting a loud burst of flatulence in Miss Meyer's eighth-grade science class, but it's best not to dwell on that.

It is another well-established fact that for nearly all the decades that Man has been known to eat, he has attempted to prepare food in such a manner as to make it more attractive and palatable. Take this recipe that archaeologists discovered in a primitive bakery in Muncie, Indiana:

Mud and Rocks

You will need:




Put rocks on ground. Use stick to smear mud on rocks. Stick may be used as garnishment. Serves 67.

The archaeologists tried this recipe and came to the agreement that “McDonald's had ripped it off big-time.”

Yes, culinary sciences went through the customary fits and starts just like any burgeoning new field, spawning such gastronomical atrocities and Pigeon With A Stick Jammed Into It, Needlessly Tortured Chicken, Okra That Someone Jumped Up And Down On, Pop-Tarts, and Escargot. Of course, none of these are offered today, and all will be safely extinct once Kellogg's sells off all the Pop-Tarts it made in 1946, which is estimated to happen in 5 to 10 years.

Of course, today we have such advanced food preparation technology that such disgusting and nasty foods such as Stunned Frog in a Paper Cup are almost never offered outside of public schools. In fact, we have advanced beyond the point of needing organic matter of any sort for cooking, as evidenced by this recently disclosed recipe for Hostess Sno-Balls:

Whipped Foam Rubber Compound

Pink Aircraft Grade Engine Sealant

That White Stuff We Put In Twinkies

Heat molding device to 785 degrees and inject whipped foam rubber compound. While compound is still expanding, inject the white substance we put in Twinkies. All biohazard precautions should be observed since this substance was created in a nuclear accident. Finally, eject the resulting spheroids into the dioxin cooling compound. Allow to soak and cool for 15 minutes, then remove, being sure to activate the exhaust fans to remove the toxic fumes. Finally, liberally apply the engine sealant and allow 4-6 days to cure. Four to five spheroids should be taken to the testing range and subjected to Flame Jet Tests numbers Three, Six, and Forty-Seven, in that order. Properly formed spheroids should emerge unaffected in any way. The batch is now ready to be shipped to the Packaging Area.

This same process is used to make tennis balls and Kevlar.

It will truly be exciting to see what new advances will be made in the Petrochemical/Snack Foods industry in the next few years. Look for exciting things such as Diet Coke/WD-40, Snickers/Ty-D-Bol, and new Slim Jim Tire Irons.

Rocks and Mud, anyone?

Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page