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Cult of Celebrity
9.15.2003 by Dan, every Monday.

Whenever I feel down, bored, am in need of something to reinforce my lack of faith in humanity, or just plain hard up for a column, I need look no further than the entertainment page. There's nothing like starting off your week by reading that Michael Jackson got his head lodged in an elementary school's urinal to make you feel better about your own shitty life. And today, there's shit-a-plenty!

First up on my list of completely true news stories from the entertainment world is about Madonna. You may remember Madonna as the creepy old woman who kissed Britney Spears recently in a desperate effort to get people to care about Madonna, Britney, and MTV again. Well, when not engaging in extremely creepy and blatantly sensationalistic kissing, Madonna has, of course, written a children's book. According to this article, Madonna's new book is called “The English Roses,” a deep, complex and moving tale about a young girl coming to grips with her own emerging sexuality by seducing the entire offensive lineup of the New York Knicks.

Seriously, “The English Roses” is about “a friendship shared by four 11-year-old girls and their mutual envy of a beautiful classmate.” No word yet on if they decide to upstage the classmate by making out in the hall.

Our second story takes a page from “The Mighty Ducks:” Rapper Snoop Dogg is the coach of his son's soccer team. The article quotes him as saying that “teaching kids something is fun,” then goes on to mention his 1990 drug arrest, how he was shot at earlier this year, and how he arrived at the most recent game with six bodyguards. So along with perseverance and good sportsmanship, Dogg is evidently also teaching skills such as how to duck and cover, how you never hear the one that gets you, and that sometimes he'll miss a game while fulfilling his “Girls Gone Wild” obligations. Of course, on the other hand, six bodyguards should get even the rowdiest of parents to shut up.

Next up is a lovely tidbit for you “Osbournes” fans: They have all been loaded onto a rocket and launched “in the vague direction of Alpha Centauri,” as one NASA official put it.

Seriously, Kelly Osbourne has signed a deal with a record label to re-release her first CD, elegantly titled “Shut Up,” under the new name “Changes,” owing to the CD containing Kelly singing the Black Sabbath song ”Changes” as a duet with Ozzy, with lyrics they'd re-written “to reflect how the relationship between a father and daughter change as they grow older.” This sounds like a real treat for somebody, though I do not care to speculate as to precisely whom.

Finally, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have reportedly broken up. Let us all pray, hope, sacrifice a goat, or pay off a senator that this is true, so that the media will FINALLY SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT THEM. After that, it's only a matter of wading through the deluge of “Ben and J-Lo: What went wrong?”, followed by “Ben and J-Lo Move on,” then “Ben And J-Lo: Two Years After,” and “Ben and J-Lo get run over by a tank.” After that, we're home free.

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