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You smell something?
9.5.2003 by Adam.

So, birthdays. Yeah.

My sister’s birthday rolled around not too long ago. Me, like a good lazy older brother, promised to take her wherever she wanted to pick out a gift, rather than going and getting one myself. This, as you’ll see one sentence into the future, was a mistake. She immediately demanded Bath & Body Works.

As a disclaimer, I really have no problem with B&BW myself. I love it when people waltz by me smelling like apricot-papaya-orchid-aloe-pear-strawberry-lemon-pine-sol. The first problem, however, is that for every extra scent you add, the price doubles. And in American society, where excess is the key to be cool, this racks up to a lot of money. Excess, then, would be the second problem.

Anymore, lotions and perfumes seem to be just as fashion sensitive as clothes. If you are a woman and you do not, in fact, smell like every fruit in the world, then you are shunned. Referred to as harsh, one fruit names such as “Ms. Lemon” or, much worse, “Strawberry Shortcake”.

You ladies don’t even know what makes it smell, do you? I’ve read the bottle. It says “Fragrance”. You don’t know what that is, it could be bee droppings. You don’t know that bee droppings don’t smell spring fresh.

Ah, but it’s not just the ladies is it? Men are just as fragrance-conscious. I’m not sure how many CK colognes have come out, but I hear there’s roughly one for every person in China. Nobody cares that they all smell exactly alike. I could put on “CK1” and call it “CKwhatthecrapever” and you couldn’t tell, could you? Could you?

My advice, then, is this. Tomorrow morning after you take a shower, don’t put on cologne, aftershave, perfume, lotion, spray, rub bee droppings on yourself, whatever. Don’t do it. Men, if you use aftershave, try a splash of rubbing alcohol. It stings a bit at first, but you’ll never get zits and it doesn’t smell or sting after 20 seconds. Ladies, if you like lotion, try the unscented cheapo kind from Wal-Mart. Do whatever applies to you for 1 month.


Take a look inside your pocketbook.

See all that sweet, delicious money? Go buy Madagascar with it. It’s still cheaper than buying fragrances.

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