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Sex, Love, Marriage and Nightclubs
8.18.2003 by Dan, every Monday.

Today, I'm going to discuss something that's on everyone's mind- romance.

HAHAHAHA! I'm only joking! We all know that romance isn't on everyone's mind- sex is. From the 10-year-old with a single adolescent hormone to the 107-year-old on her deathbed, we're always thinking about sex. Yes, sex. Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex. That last sentence may seem baffling or nonsensical to you, but it generated 17,541 Google hits while you were reading it. Which reinforces my point- we love the sex.

And with sex comes fun activities like “Romance,” “Dating,” and “Marriage.” These are all a lot of fun in the same way as a root canal with a Garden Weasel, by which I mean “A blast if you're into prolonged pain and suffering.” Let's face it- we go to absurd lengths to mate. You'll never see animals go to these lengths:

Male Zebra: What a nice watering hole. Come here often, you striped vixen youAAAAAARGH! (gets devoured by lions)

Female Zebra: Yes I do, and with good reason.

Lion: Same time next week?

No, animals will just throw down whenever they feel like it, and don't even let the very real threat of Steve Irwin stop them.

Whereas we, as a species, tend to complicate the process to the degree of the U.S. Tax Code. Take straight guys, for example. If a guy wants to hook up, he has to get dressed up, go to a club, drink, try to see anyone through the smoke, drink, try to hear anyone over the music, drink, start putting the moves on some girl, that girl looks at you as though you were a jar of digestive by-product, drink, get in a fight with a biker, get a pool cue broken over your head, get taken to the hospital, throw up on the emergency room nurse, ask her out, date, get married, then she leaves you four years later for the biker. It's getting to the point where lonely guys will set fire to their money and break pool cues over each other's heads, just to save time.

This is silly, people. Why pay a cover charge to get into a building so overcrowded that it would have been closed by the fire marshall had he not slipped on the dance floor and got trampled to death, just to fight your way to a bar so that the person you were after can send you down in bigger flames than the Hindenburg? (Bartender: Oh, the HUMANITY!)

There's no reason for this. There are many better places to get shot down over and over, to persevere and keep trying in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, you can find that special someone, that someone who will invade your life, tell you what to do, spend your money and spend all day on your couch! So, in the spirit of making this world a better place, I present Doctor Dan's Dating Tips!

1.) Supermarkets are a great place to meet people. At least, that's what everyone says. For instance, you can tell a lot about a person by the purchases in his cart. (note to readers- I am going to default to male pronouns because I think ”Him or Her” and the like is stupid. If you don't like it, please go to the Serengeti and complain to the aforementioned zebra. Thank you.) This is why you should never have anything with you. Keep him off-guard. The last thing you want is him realizing that you're a ”furry” by seeing your purchases of Reddi-Whip and a box of band-aids. Those are dead giveaways. You'll also be able to move faster without having to carry or push anything. So you corner him in the produce section, sneak up on him, and pounce by leaning across the cantaloupes and saying, in your most seductive voice, “So where have you been all my life, cowboy?” Then just wait for his reaction. “WHAAAUUGH!” would be my guess.

2.) Religious functions are a great way to “play the field.” This one is easy- just pick a church function and show up. It doesn't matter if you're not of that particular religion- it's easy to fake. Just hedge your bets by wearing a cross, a Star of David, a dot on your forehead and a burqa regardless of gender. If you don't want to go that far, I still recommend that you wear something other than club clothes in the scenario, since they're all way too liberal, and probably still reek of enough drugs and bodily fluids to make Widow Beasley pass out into her banana pudding, and clearing an octogenarian's nasal passages of a mediocre dessert tends to lower one's sex appeal. The procedure here is simple- just pick a likely candidate, lure him to some out of the way place, and offer him some Ecstasy. I hear that this works especially well on Mormons.

3.) Visit a coffee shop. People here are already in a state of high cognitive dissonance from shelling out upwards of ten bucks for a stale pastry and approximately six sips of coffee. They'll be so busy convincing themselves that they got their money's worth that they'll believe anything you tell them. Just pick your target, then swing a watch in front of his face while assuring them in soothing tones that you are the most attractive person that he will ever encounter. Just be discrete while doing this lest you end up stalked by the contents of a coffee shop.

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