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We're Smarter and Prettier Than You Are
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Serial Column (Guest Column 3 of 3)
6.30.2003 by , every Monday.
Well, after three weeks and some change, I decided to mercifully put my serial column experiment out of its misery. It's been a long, strange road, paved with the strangeness and incoherence that the forum goers have come to expect from themselves and each other. I wish to state here that I have made no alterations to the following in any way, save for the removal of three or so of my own posts, because this is a guest column, dammit!! The result is the following: a long, rambling monologue about secret agents interspersed with diversions into Harry Potter, forum poster's mothers, and the obigatory accusation of homosexuality. In short, it's still better than my column, so I'm never doing this again because I neither need nor desire anyone's help in looking bad. Finally, I'd like to sincerely thank all of you who participated in this travesty. You all write real good, though the reason that I left your names in is because I sure as hell am not taking the heat for you clowns.
Me: "Recently, I was driving down the road when . . .
Sebbbb
Guest
Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2003 7:43 pm Post subject:
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Three men holding guns stepped out in front of me and shot out both my front wheels. I swerved out of control and hit one of them while the other two dodged out of the way....
haircloud
> 250
Joined: 20 Aug 2001
Posts: 298
Location: a twisted version of Utopia
Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2003 12:38 am Post subject:
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Seb has front wheels?
wow!
_________________
Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle.
Seaweed
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 63
Location: Montréal, NY
Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2003 12:47 pm Post subject:
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...and the other two fled in terror from the half man/half automaton Seb-creature. Watching from the café on the corner, I saw it all. I was nonplussed. Nothing could shock me anymore, nothing in this town, anyway; what could suprise me after the note I found on my desk this morning wedged between pages 73 and 74 of my stolen copy of GQ? The note was scented--magnolias--and the scrawl was of a feminine hand. It read...
Zen_Insult
Joined: 06 Mar 2003
Posts: 46
Location: Ottawa
Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2003 1:26 pm Post subject:
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' I'm sorry to do this so impersonally, but I just couldn't bring myself to see you in person , even to make this decision- I don't think I could have a conversation with you without either breaking down crying or screaming at you, and in truth I think I hate you for having made me what I am. As soon as we get back to Geneva, I'll transfer all the funds back to your account, and I'll return all equipment to the Controller. After that, I expect to hear no more from you or The Company. I'll live the rest of my life seeing those images in the dark, and hearing those voices, knowing what we did to them.
I'm sorry.
Sabrina
'
_________________
Goodnight and Godspeed, John Glenn.
Ramasaur
> 250
Joined: 23 Jan 2001
Posts: 431
Location: Monk Tree Awl
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2003 12:37 am Post subject:
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Woah.
Pickle
> 100
Joined: 26 Apr 2001
Posts: 215
Location: Sault Ste. Marie hahahahahaha no.
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2003 1:23 pm Post subject:
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I didn't know Keanau Reeves posted here. Clever disguise under Ramasaur I must admit.
_________________
hoochie mama
n. More than just a hoochie. A hoochie of hoochies. Someone who excels in all the qualities of hoochidom.
Doctor Furious
> 100
Joined: 18 Sep 2002
Posts: 140
Location: Arkham Asylum, USA
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2003 2:55 pm Post subject:
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Duuuude!
Back to top
unspeakable_grooviness
> 100
Joined: 05 Mar 2003
Posts: 176
Location: Montréal
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2003 9:55 pm Post subject:
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'Strange things are afoot at the Circle K'
Seaweed
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 63
Location: Montréal, NY
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2003 10:21 pm Post subject:
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As I read the note I thought of Sabrina, lovely Sabrina with eyes like a stormy night, I thought to myself strange things are afoot at the Circle K. It had been weeks since I took her there, ostentiously to get a slurpee, and drove off wildly when she had stepped out of the car. I hadn't trusted her when I met her--she wore too much eyeshadow and only barely concealed the trout flapping around in her italian leather handbag--and the message I received from the Controller clinched matters. But this note changed everything. I had to think...
Ignignokt
Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 8
Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2003 8:31 am Post subject:
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. . . that had she been on the Moon, we would have had the luxury of spanking her with moon rocks until dawn. But I had no time to think of such matters- for I am a choade, and so not cool, for I do not smoke marijuana cigarettes or take things from others and make them my own by my actions. This makes me a major-league spaz. That's when I realized that . . .
Ramasaur
> 250
Joined: 23 Jan 2001
Posts: 431
Location: Monk Tree Awl
Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2003 11:49 am Post subject:
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Okay, Ignignokt, last weekend I finally had the unique pleasure of viewing that episode of ATHF in which you wander around doing terrible things to poor Meatwad, and I'd like to say that your lasers really, really suck, man. I mean, seriously. You do injustice to the trusted household name "Laser".
Ignignokt
Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 8
Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2003 1:13 pm Post subject:
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Meatwad was a weak choade who was not worthy to come from the Moon. And our lasers only appear to suck because they are so advanced that your non-Moon minds cannot truly comprehend them. In fact, some would say that the Earth is OUR moon. But to claim that would be an insult to the Moon.
haircloud
> 250
Joined: 20 Aug 2001
Posts: 298
Location: a twisted version of Utopia
Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2003 2:53 am Post subject:
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how long does it take for dawn to come up on the moon? Does it feel like less time if one is high off of (bad english!) lunar marijuana cigarettes?
I never ralized how much I miss blank, and ink... Nathan Lane appears on TM's main page far too often nowadays
And the most odd thing ever in trek movies has to be how the entire planet Earth couldn't figure out what that porbe was doing, but Spock hears it and, even with his newly filled brain, is able to figure out what it was doing. And how did the Klingon ship have the noises of Earth animals? Even if they did upgrade the ship's computer on Vulcan.... it doesn't seem to me that they would put those in there.
_________________
Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle.
Zen Insult
Guest
Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2003 4:24 pm Post subject:
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Nathan Lane wrote a column in my community newspaper today.
=|
Guest
Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2003 1:54 am Post subject:
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Your mother wrote a column in your community newspaper today
Zen Insult
Guest
Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2003 10:30 am Post subject:
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Untrue.
=|
Guest
Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2003 9:12 pm Post subject:
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Untrue THIS
(Link led to one of those sites where you can put in a name and it will plug it into a premade news-style article about how the subject is gay.) Dan
Ramasaur
> 250
Joined: 23 Jan 2001
Posts: 431
Location: Monk Tree Awl
Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2003 12:30 am Post subject:
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*sigh* If I only had a flamethrower.
Zen Insult
Guest
Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2003 1:46 am Post subject:
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I love the attention.
burningsnail
> 100
Joined: 27 May 2002
Posts: 120
Location: Montreal/NYC
Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2003 10:40 pm Post subject:
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Mm...water...tasty...
Malabarista
Joined: 18 Feb 2003
Posts: 64
Location: Ottawa
Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2003 11:19 pm Post subject:
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Freak your doc out and eat pixie sticks for the following 12 hours.
_________________
Seb
unspeakable_grooviness
> 100
Joined: 05 Mar 2003
Posts: 176
Location: Montréal
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2003 6:57 am Post subject:
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Well, I've another hour and a half for this stupid fasting thing. Then my boss and I are going to Eggspectations for breakie. Yum. That's all I could think about last night: breakfast. I'd never make it in a religion where I had to do this all the time.
haircloud
> 250
Joined: 20 Aug 2001
Posts: 298
Location: a twisted version of Utopia
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2003 10:03 am Post subject:
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I'm sure there are worse ways to spend 12 hours on only water...
12 hours with no water at all!!! Bwa haa haa
_________________
Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle.
Seaweed
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 63
Location: Montréal, NY
Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2003 1:00 pm Post subject:
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Unspeakable, supermodels do it all the time! Pretend the basement of the bookstore is a massive runway and VOGUE IT while shelving those books. Come on, work it baby.
[oh--and confidential to the real person behind your avatar: my brother suggests a piano bar in Kenmore called Jack Ivories and perhaps House of Blues in Cambridge. He's more of a cheap bar kinda person so he doesn't have any suggestions for clubs and stuff.]
unspeakable_grooviness
> 100
Joined: 05 Mar 2003
Posts: 176
Location: Montréal
Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2003 1:22 pm Post subject:
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Well, I guess I'll just have to whore it up when I celebrate my birthday in MTL when I get back. Ah well. Thanks for the tips, Seaweed!
PS For those of you in Montreal who have nothing better to do on a Friday night, COME TO THE MCGILL BOOKSTORE'S HARRY POTTER LAUNCH PARTY TONIGHT, 1130pm-2am!! WOOHOO!! Cauldrin cakes, pumpkin pasties, butter beer!
Seb
> 1000
Joined: 30 Jun 2001
Posts: 1124
Location: San Mateo/Ottawa
Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2003 1:34 pm Post subject:
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My aftergrad is gonna be at MTL. I saw it yesterday. Pretty nifty.
Seaweed
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 63
Location: Montréal, NY
Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2003 4:34 pm Post subject:
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Unspeakable: I'm SO gonna be there tonight. Why? Because I have nothing better to do on a Friday night. Oh, and HP rocks.
Seb
> 1000
Joined: 30 Jun 2001
Posts: 1124
Location: San Mateo/Ottawa
Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2003 1:06 am Post subject:
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I'm such a nerd. I went to buy my copy just an hour ago at the stroke of midnight. While I was waiting in line I felt so out of place. People were dressed up like witches.....and wizards... I really don't think I want to go back to chapters again.
Zen Insult
Guest
Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2003 2:56 am Post subject:
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I wanted to go at midnight and buy something entirely non-Potter related.
haircloud
> 250
Joined: 20 Aug 2001
Posts: 298
Location: a twisted version of Utopia
Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2003 9:05 pm Post subject:
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Harry who?
_________________
Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle.
Seaweed
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 63
Location: Montréal, NY
Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2003 12:24 pm Post subject:
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Let us all lower our heads with respect for the demise of Haircloud's mental accuity.
Let us also continue the story:
...I had to think, I thought to myself as I put down the letter. Specifically, I had to think about dinner. There was a new sushi place down the street, right next to the organ donor lab, that I'd been meaning to check out. But first, I had a few things to sort out. I picked up the phone and immediately heard my secretary's voice from the office next door.
"Yes Boss?"
"Hey Rita, put me through to headquarters," I said, gruffly. I heard a slight gasp.
"Not...you don't mean..."
"That's right, Rita, I mean to talk to the Controller."
I heard a dialtone, then a sudden burst of Muzak which reminded me of Kenny G playing "Piano Man." I cringed; I was dealing with a cold, cold force, but I had no choice. Suddenly a nasally recorded voice broke in.
"Thank you for calling Headquarters number 16345B dash 64. For problems concerning feral bunnies, press one. For questions, comments, or information about our new exfoliation services, press two. For emergencies concerning mysterious women last seen in the parking lot at the Circle K, press three. To reserve tickets to our annual Molly Ringwald Moviethon and Boat Show, press four....
I pressed three but made a note to order a ticket later....
Seaweed
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 63
Location: Montréal, NY
Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2003 10:32 pm Post subject:
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...but before my phone call was transferred to The Controller, I heard a click, then a dialtone. And then, a voice behind me...
"Allo, Mitch."
"Sabrina," a stuttered, "I wasn't expecting to see you here." And there she was, as beautiful as I remembered her, except for the fake teeth and the moustache. I didn't remember the moustache.
She had a revolver in one hand. She had a ferret in the other.
"I give you two choices, Mitch. Two choices...because I love you."
"That's magnanimous of you, Sabrina. Especially since I killed half your family in that Swedish sausage incident." I had, too. I still dreamt about haggis.
"The first choice...I kill you. The second choice...I let my rabid ferret eat you alive."
"Well, gee Sabrina, I don't know what to say."
"Oh shut up, then. I'm sick of this. And Dan needs the story finished by Sunday. Eat, my pet, eat!" and with a flourish she coaxed the furry hellcat towards me. Its teeth were sharp and swift. My left foot was gone in twenty seconds. I knew the end was near. But I had to ask...
"Sabrina, won't you tell me what you were doing with that trout in your handbag?"
She looked pensive. Her cheeks colored, but she sighed and spoke.
"The trout was for my Igor. He loves the fishies so..."
She turned from the room and I watched the swish of her skirt around her knees. Such lovely knees. The ferret was gnawing at my upper thigh. It was over for me, I knew. Over. A bit of poetry fleeted through my mind as I grew woozy... something about a little patch of earth, forever England....
Seaweed
Joined: 31 Mar 2003
Posts: 63
Location: Montréal, NY
Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2003 1:20 pm Post subject:
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...and before you all comment, let me say that I know haggis is not a Swedish sausage.
Thank you.
For those of you still reading this, I'll be back next week. Topic: The Amazing Disco Sphinx!!
Or maybe not.
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