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Are There Any Women Left In Russia?
6.23.2003 by Dan, every Monday.

Well, my sabbatical is winding down, and I am winding up to churn out more columns for you ungrateful chowderheads. Next week will be my valiant attempt to make sense of the serial column that is still sort of ongoing in the forum; As you can see, apparently the forum goers went off their medication en masse (translation: some French word) in an attempt to get into my mindset. I pity them. Following that, blank resumes.

This week's guest column was written by Adam, who wrote the recent rant "What Adam Watches On TV." Frankly, he scares me.

So I guess they can manufacture and sell just about anything now.

Behold, the Russian mail order bride. It’s okay; the link is safe, at least as far as your visual virginity is concerned. Your mental health may be taxed though. I didn’t realize that this is what the world’s leaders were spending their money on. Instead of, y’know, curing cancer and finding a way to colonize Uranus (heh heh), Russia decided that it’s efforts were best spent by learning to process, manufacture, and distribute WOMEN.

It’s obvious that these women are some kind of evil clone, or maybe some disgusting alien race attempting to take over the world. Maybe they’re bombs. I don’t know. They can’t be REAL women. I don’t know any REAL woman that would subject herself to something like this. Come to think of it, I don’t know any real women at all.

Delving further into the site, I discovered many great truths about these “Russian women”. For example:

1. Russian women are never ugly

2. Or overweight

3. Or spoiled

4. There are 5-10 Russian women for every man.

…And other such wonderful concepts. After seeing this, I knew it couldn’t be truth. Nothing is that good, except maybe peanut butter.

Another thing that tipped me off is that the ad for this service came through my e-mail. While I was sifting through breast enlargement pills, penis enhancement pills (why anyone would need BOTH horrifies me), low mortgage rate ads and of course the ever-present porn, I found this. I don’t think any real legitimate business advertises through e-mail, because if it’s a real business they spend MONEY on their advertising. No, this has to be some evil scheme perpetrated by vile ninja-monkeys. Ninja-monkeys with no budget.

Which brings us to another question. Why aren’t these people selling something useful, like ninja-monkey robots? I don’t need a bride from Russia, I’ve never even BEEN to Russia. I’m perfectly content finding some 9-5 job, living in the suburbs with my moderately attractive wife and my 2.6 kids. Why couldn’t they sell doomsday devices, or spatulas? Heaven knows I can always use a good spatula…

This also made me wonder what else is being sold out there. I’m not talking like bombs or anything. I already know the going rate of weapons-grade plutonium. But if Russia is selling women, then what is the U.S. selling? It can’t be GUNS, because we give those away. Maybe this is just a huge drug-ring. We send empty woman-husks to Russia, where they stuff them with drugs and ship them back. Mail order brides is just a cover.

…Heh heh heh.

Please, excuse me. I’m off to order me up a wife.

Any comments from the comment box will be forwarded to Adam.

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