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The Piano Teacher
5.28.2003 by Dan Beirne, every Wednesday.

Nathan Lane comes over every Wednesday to the house to watch a movie, or just chat with Dan. Dan found these little chats so interesting, he decided to tape-record them and tell the world all the neat things Nathan had to say about movies and stuff.

From: hakunamattata69@hotmail.com
To: dan@betterthanshakespeare.com
Date: Wednesday, May 26th, atmospherical
Subject: cynthia says hi


I forgot to tell I wouldn't be there this week. I figured you'd get all mad and what, so I wrote you a fake transcription of a tape. Nobody'll know the difference, I guarantee it. Provided anyone's reading at all, mind. I wrote this on the plane and the stuardess (sp?) looked over my shoulder and laughed, so I guess it's funny. Anyway, whatever.

- NL

The Piano Teacher (2001): Middle-aged piano teacher still lives with mother. In French with English subtitles. Directed by Michael Haneke.

Dan: Yippity-hippity dip-dee-dip!

Me: Dan, please settle down. That was really moving, and I'm just trying to deal with it.

Dan: Life goes on, Nathan.

Me: Yes! That's it! You've got it!

(Dan sees a ghost, but doesn't say anything)

Dan: I did?

Me: Yes. Life does go on. You hit it right on the head.

Dan: Wow, that's the first time I've ever done that.

Me: I know. You're a man now.

(all the sounds in the world stop, save one fly breathing poetry, cummings)

Me: Now! What does this film mean to you?

Dan: Well, I'm a gimp, so I don't really know.

Me: True. I'll tell you what it means: it means that your suspicions are confirmed.

Dan: What suspicions?

(music from a frightening radio play, performed by me impromptu)

Me: That the world is full of people. Trying really hard.

Dan: I did think that.

Me: But that's your interpretation. And it's wrong.

Dan: Wrong?

Me: Yes. If you go around looking for evidence to support some grandiose theory of course you're going to find it. The world is still made up of stuff, Dan, despite what they teach you at school.

Dan: But it's so--

(Ruffles, from the future, is laughing at a fart joke I told him yesterday. He's laughing so loud, he drowns out what Dan was saying)

Me: That's true. That's true.

Dan: You know? Just 'cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.

Me: Enough!

(we get to the mirror, and see the ghost in our car)

Ghost: I was riding with you the whole time!

Me: Haha, got you, Dan.

(Dan is crying)

Dan: That last shot was so heart-breaking. You know, in the movie.

Me: Let me tell you a story, Dan. It's about a doctor who learned a valuable lesson. He crashes his car into a fence in a small town by the name of Grady. He's a hot--shot surgeon on his way to Los Angeles, and he is sentenced to 32 hours of community service in the village. At first, he wants to get out as fast as he can, but then he falls in--

Dan: Shut up! Shut up!

Me: love.

Dan: What happens when pretty girls get ugly, when comedians don't get laughs, when it all falls apart?

Me: Dan, this isn't funny anymore.

(the plane falls. no reason. just stops and drops)

Dan: (on the way down) Well, sometimes you sulk, sometimes you Beirne!

(Dan puts up his hand for a high five. I do not respond)

as always, you can go to hell Dan, you silly toot.


Dan's not as smart as he thinks he is.

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