5.19.2003 by , every Monday.
I have some momentous news for you. Are you sitting down? Since you are an idiot if you answer that question, I'm just going to say “good” as though you did, and spare us both some awkwardness.
For centuries, one question has preoccupied the minds of mankind. Scholars, theologians, professors, shipwrights, poop-smiths, and plague victims have all gone through life with this question on the tip of their tounge. And finally, at long last, a group of dedicated people have come up with an answer.
The question is, of course, “Who is Dracula's mom?” And the answer was presented during the third “World Dracula Congress,” which was held last week in, of course, Transylvania. Of course, hearing this brings a lot of questions to mind:
- World. Dracula. Congress??
- Do they have stationery? And if so, how can I get some?
- Is it possible to secede from the planet?
If you're curious, the title of “Dracula's Mom” was given to a Scottish Novelist named Emily Gerard, who in 1885 wrote a travel book on Transylvania that was apparently the only knowledge Bram Stoker had of the area, having never visited it himself.
- World Dracula Congress???
Now I don't know about you, but I know that I'll sleep better from now on knowing that there is a group of
dangerously obsess- dedicated people who will not rest until they get to the bottom of this “Dracula” business. To find out all that they can about this fictional character who never existed (and no, Vlad the Impaler was NOT close enough to count.)(”Count.” Get it??), and share it with a world thirsty for the information. Or maybe they should just start building model airplanes.
And for the fourth World Dracula Congress, I have but one question:
How did Dracula's mom breastfeed?