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 About the Author Column Archive |
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 Well, it's been an exciting week for me, with the severe weather, munchkins, the Wicked Witch of the West, and Bill Paxton. Oh, the laughs we had when Mr. Paxton drove his pickup into the Wizard. Then Helen Hunt showed up. But during all of this hectic and zany windblown excitement, I maintained a journal of my thoughts, feelings, and dietary choices, and have made this column out of them for your reading pleasure. Enjoy, and remember; No matter how bad the weather gets, at least you're not a penguin. Stupid flightless waterfowl. 4 May 2003: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!! DEAR SWEET MERCIFUL GOD, SPARE THIS PUNY HUMAN YOUR AWESOME WRATH!! RAIN! THUNDERSTORMS!! WIND!! LIGHTNING!! TORNADOES!! BLUE MEANIES!!! FROTH AT MOUTH!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE BL- 5 May 2003: -OWN AWAY!! O AGONY! O PATHOS! O MERCY AND DECENCY! O FORTUNA!! I WILL OFFER YOU THIS COMPLETE SET OF “STAR TREK” 25TH ANNIVERSARY COMMEMORATIVE PLATES, WITH A SIGNED CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY FROM THE FRANKLIN MINT, IF YOU WILL SPARE MY PITIFUL LIFE, O LORD!! 6 May 2003: Bought canoe. 7 May 2003: O BLADDER-RELEASING TERROR!! THE WATER IS RISING!! FLOOD! AND ME WITHOUT WATER WINGS!! O CRUEL FATES, WHY MUST YOU SMITE THIS MORTAL SO????? 8 May 2003: Canoe sank. 9 May 2003: LIGHTNING! THUNDER! WIND! RAIN! LO, THE ELEMENTS DO CONSPIRE WITH GREAT VENOM AND SHARP POINTY TEETH AGAINST THIS FRAIL HUMAN FORM!! O MIGHTY GOD, PLEASE TAKE ANYONE BUT ME! TAKE MY MOTHER! TAKE MY BROTHER!! TAKE THE CUTE TINY LARGE EYED BABY OF MY NEIGHBORS! TAKE THIS CAT! TAKE- 10 May 2003: MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG! I HATE THAT LITTLE SHIT OF A WEINER DOG ANYWAY!! O, BUT FOR ONE MORE BLESSED DAY ON THIS BEAUTIFUL ORB!! SOB! (unintelligible) AND MY SOCKS!!! 11 May 2003: Mother's Day. Sunny. Clear. |
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