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All Apologies
4.28.2003 by Dan, every Monday.


As the second year of my association with Tangmonkey comes to a close, I find myself looking backward over my not-so-long but oh-so-very-strange trip. Being a humor columnist means that you sometimes accidentally step on a few toes in your frantic scramble to the top. So today, in order to start out my third year on a clean slate, I would like to make a series of humble, heartfelt apologies.

Firstly, I would like to apologize to my first grade teacher, Mrs. Putnam. Though it has been twenty years since I was under your tutelage and you are no doubt long since dead, I wish to deeply and sincerely apologize for an incident in art class in which you told us to throw away the construction paper scraps and then put our pencils away in our pencil boxes, yet I did most coldy and disrespectfully the reverse, forcing you to waste your valuable time and energy dragging me out to the faculty parking lot by my ankles and repeatedly slamming my head in your car door while frothing at the moth and shrieking that I was a worthless little shit who had just made Jesus hate me with my heartless evil; that was very disrespectful of me. I would furthermore like to apologize to the RoseArt and Empire Pencil companies, whose fine company names I must surely have tainted with my heartless evil acts. I furthermore would like to apologize to my cat, Samson, whose sleep I did most cruelly disturb with my most recent seizure.

Secondly, I would like to most sincerely apologize to a classmate of mine, Derek Putnam, whose fist I did most cruelly and repeatedly bruise with my face and abdomen during countless incidents outside of, at least at first, the varsity cheerleader's locker room during both my senior year and my brief foray into the field of student teaching after college. I do most humbly and deeply apologize for forcing you to take time out of your busy schedule of earning your “Best-Behaved High School Student In The District” award for the fifth year in a row and starting fires in the Shady Valley Retirement Home to locate me and repeatedly show me the error of my ways. Though I was never quite able to deduce precisely what this error was, I do consider myself most thoroughly taught. I would also like to apologize for my inability to deliver this apology to your face due to the unfortunate accident a few years later in which the brake line in that dump truck failed, causing it to roll over you and crush you beneath its massive wheels. Repeatedly. As you slept in your burning house.

Thirdly, I would like to offer a most heartfelt of apologies to my first, third, fourth, and fifth bosses out of college, Big Al Putnam, for causing your firm to lose the big motor oil contract by using an improper verb tense in the rough draft of the proposal that you had me write and for which you took credit, and for which you both fired me and destroyed my car with the monster truck that you keep on-site for just that purpose. I'm sure that the gas you used to do so was very expensive. I furthermore apologize for the completely unrelated incident in which you spent the night before the presentation of the proposal drinking your way through an entire case of Jack Daniel's, then breaking into the home of the motor oil company's CEO and engaging in an unnatural act with a box of dryer sheets before passing out in a puddle of your own excrement in the bedroom of their ten-year-old daughter. I furthermore would like to apologize for following you one day after you left work, videotaping the “penguin cage incident,” and selling said tape to “Real TV.”

Fourthly, I would like to offer a most truthful and sincere apology to the owners and operators of the Putnam Country Fairgrounds, for the incident in which I most maliciously disrupted your drinking bing- family reunion by driving down the state highway less than two miles from your location, obviously ruining all of your videotapes and photographs of both your joyous reunion and of the family receiving sexual gratification by stomping on kittens. I furthermore apologize to Sheriff J. Oscar Putnam and the 73 deputies who were forced to chase me down and beat me with tire irons, then throw me in jail. I furthermore apologize for the financial burden I placed upon the county based upon the bill I received a week later of $7, 832 for “blood on the jail sheets,” which as it turned out was the precise amount that County Judge Artie Putnam owed his bookie for his bet on the outcome of the final game in the movie “Any Given Sunday.” Finally, I apologize to the widows of the Putnam County Sheriff's Department for my momentary lapse in judgment in sending photographic documentation of the Department's “research” into the growing and selling of marijuana, meth labs, LSD, black tar heroin, and pediatric crack distribution to both a Colombian drug cartel and the Mafia, resulting in the third bloodiest shootout in U.S. history, including the battles of the U.S. Civil War.

Lastly, I would like to apologize to to the fine men and women of the Montreal fire and police departments, for reasons that will become apparent in another day or two.

It feels good to these things off of your chest, doesn't it?




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