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Surviving Spring
4.14.2003 by Dan, every Monday.

Well, it's that time of year again. A time of renewal. A time of rebirth. A time when Mother Nature wakes up and fills the air with a thick yellow fog of pollen. A time when your fondest desire is to gouge the sinuses out of your face with an ice cream scoop.

Yes, spring is in the air.

Now, I have been led to understand that there might be one or two Canadians who read this column. I realize that spring to you is merely a device inside of your mattress. I furthermore realize that that you have no real buffer zone between winter and summer (August 29). I also do not care. Suck it up, ladies.

Anyway, here in climes where nature is not slowly evolving us into yeti, spring is in full force. There are many ways to tell this:

1) Trees are growing back their leaves.

2) Everything is festive easter yellow due to caked-on pollen. You Canadians probably think I'm joking about that. How I wish that I were.

3) I sneeze nonstop for a month and shriek for the sweet release of death that never comes.

4) Retail outlets start offering winter coats and Christmas trees.

5) President Bush sees his shadow and declares six more weeks of winter.

Spring has had ceremonial meanings as well to many cultures throughout history. For example:

The Phoenicians believed that spring was a renewal of life, and therefore was a good time to have sex.

The Egyptians saw spring as the return of their sun god, Ra, and a sign that the time was right for a lot of mind-blowing sex.

The Druids would gather at Stonehenge to observe the spring equinox and “utilize” that big stone slab in the middle, if you know what I mean. Then they would have sex.

The Romans would just plain take any excuse they could get to have lots of wild, filthy sex. Many goats were traumatized.

The Mongols . . .Well, you see the pattern.

Finally, as is my custom, I will offer you some handy tips on making the most out of this wondrous season of sinus trauma:

1) To avoid a nasty case of “Spring Fever,” where you make a total ass of yourself to someone you find attractive, do not associate with anyone at all. Other people are always jerks, and will just break your heart. Instead, research ways of depopulating the planet.

2) Spring is when everything blooms, including whatever now inhabits those old pizza boxes under your bed. This is why spring is considered the time for cleaning. Though fire may be necessary in your case, you filthy slob.

3) Remember, unless you're Canadian, that this means that the relentless pounding withering heat of summer is just around the corner, so it's a good idea to begin stocking up on summer supplies. Common choices are swim wear and sunblock, though I usually just go for a .357 Magnum and a single bullet, so I'll always have a way to “beat the heat!”

4) For Canadians, I have a special list of Spring Tips for you! You can find it here.

Now I'm off to find an ice cream scoop.

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