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River's Edge
4.8.2003 by Dan Beirne, every Wednesday.

Nathan Lane comes over every Wednesday to the house to watch a movie, or just chat with Dan. Dan found these little chats so interesting, he decided to tape-record them and tell the world all the neat things Nathan had to say about movies and stuff.

Dan has decided this has become tedious and stale, despite critical raves and an adoring fan base. This week, Dan decided to invite over long-time friend Joshua G. Because new faces take ratings to higher places.

This is the tape he made:

Tuesday, April 1st, cream instead of milk on my cereal, very funny mom

Riverís Edge (1986): A group of "disaffected" youth deal with the murder of one of their classmates at the hands of another classmate. Starring Crispin Glover, Keanu Reeves, Ione Skye, Dennis Hopper, and directed by Tim Hunter.

(Iím finishing a Pepsi. Nathanís covering his mouth with a handkerchief. Danís sitting in a corner at the back of the room to "get new perspective", precious little artist that he is.)

Me: What do I do now, Dan?

Dan: Iím not here. Raise your right arm.

(I did.)

Nathan: I just. I donít know what to say.

Me: Well, that sure makes two of us!

(I elbow Nathan and turn to grin at Dan. Dan gives me a pained look and shoos me with his hands. Nathan dusts the part of his arm that I touched.)

Me: So. What did everyone think of the flick?

Nathan: I canít believe that was influenced by real events.

Me: Youíre shitting me.

Nathan: Didnít you tell me that?

(Dan approaches with one of those pirate caps you make with newspaper and puts it on Nathanís head. He straightens it, sits back, and straightens it again, looking very "artisty", I might add. Nathan looks annoyed.)

Nathan: You know, thereís no need for this, the articleís been good the last few--

(Dan gets the pained look again and starts waving his hands in the air. He then does the shoosh thing with his finger, points to the tape recorder and then shrugs toward Nathan. He returns to his chair and takes out some binoculars. I pick up my Pepsi but then remember itís empty.)

Me: Crispin Gloverís pretty funny.

Nathan: And yet heís the only one to display any real emotion in the movie, you know? Iím reminded of Shakespeareís Fool.

Me: The only fools are the ones who read Shakespeare!

(I begin to turn and grin at Dan but then stop.)

Nathan: Right. So where do you go to school?

Me: Mississauga.

Nathan: I donít really know where that is. I fly in.

Dan: I watch too many movies.

Me: Do you know where Oakville is?

Nathan: Sure.

Dan: Who am I trying to impress? Women? Na-

Me: Itís right next to it.

Dan: -then?

Nathan: Right. Howíd you meet Dan?

Me: We made a movie together.

Nathan: Really?

Me: Yeah, it was about a group of "disaffected" youth who deal with the murder of one of their classmates at the hands of another classmate.

Nathan: First off, you canít speak quotation marks.

(Iím pretty sure Danís crying but he just took a shower so itís hard to tell.)

Me: "Why canít I?"

Nathan: Who are you quoting?

Me: Our movie.

Nathan: Yeah? What is it called?

Me: Creeky Bed.

Nathan: Creeky Bed?

Me: Yeah.

Nathan: And is Crispin Glover in it?

Me: Oh, Dan showed it to you?

(Someone honks a horn.)

Nathan: Goodbye. Dan, getting a fucking grip will you?

(Dan has a guitar at this point. I forgot to tell you.)


Nathan: Well, that says it all doesnít it.

(Nathan leaves.)

Me: Well, Iíll say it, The Birdcage wasnít very funny.

(Dan starts playing "Horse With No Name". I turn on Wowee Zowee and turn up the volume. Because itís a good album.)

as always, you can e-mail Nathan, and this week you can e-mail Joshua G. to talk about movies, or just tell him how much you liked his tape.


Creeky Bed (1986): It was a joke. The joke was that I lied. Just by writing this Iím making the joke less funny.

Horse With No Name (1973): No joke, this Neil Young song is kick-ass. And over-played. And if the horse had no name, how come he had such an easy time naming the song? Itís just fucking stupid. Fucking.

Wowee Zowee (1995): I learned how to play We Dance yesterday. I hope my roommates donít get annoyed.

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