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Time For Caffiene
4.7.2003 by Dan, every Monday.

Well, it's that time of year again.

I have recent statistics that suggest that some of you readers may be American or know someone who is; those of you who fall into that category are probably thinking, “tax time?” Let me just say here that you people should be thankful that I can't reach you.

No, what has me in such a potentially-homicidal state is the time change from Standard to Daylight Savings Time.

Now, I know what you're thinking. “But Dan,” you snivel, “With all of the Big Important Things going on in the world today, why do you choose to bitch about something as trivial as the time change?” My answer is simple- since the time change, I've not been able to concentrate on anything. I am too tired.

Before I go into my spiel about the time change, let me just say that while I'm fairly certain that Canada observes DST, I have no time to make sure because it's a DAMN HOUR later. So if you have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to go look for lumberjack porn or something.

The idea of shifting the time an hour forward was first introduced during World War Two by Hitler:

(Berlin, 1939)

Hitler: I have the need to do more eeeeeevil!

Goering: Shall I send for another crate of fuzzy, large-eyed puppies?

Hitler: NIEN! Satan himself has given me a plan!

Goering: What is this plan?

Hitler: To force everyone to . . . Observe the time as one hour later than it actually is!! BWA-HAHAHAAAA!

Goering: (turning pale) Mein Gott!

Hitler: And then, to switch back and forth TWICE A YEAR!!

Goering: (vomits)

Neville Chamberlain: Is it my scene yet?

Hitler: No.

For some reason, the idea stuck around after the Nazis were driven from power. I blame cognitive dissonance:

German: What time is it?

Frenchman: It is not yet the last Sunday in October, so four-thirty.

German: Why do we keep switching the time like that? It seems so absurd!

Frenchman: But we keep doing it! There must be a reason! It . . .Helps the farmers! That must be it!

German: Brilliant! Now, let us go celebrate by having sauerkraut and snails! (they walk off)

Farmer: Of course, I get up with the sun, but I guess it's the thought that counts.

And now, in the present, we still get two weekends a year to make sure that we are groggy, ill-tempered, and unproductive, all for reasons that no one can articulate, except that the general belief is that farmers are somehow involved.

So, when you stagger in to work, school, or the bar in which you just sort of hang around, don't be too cranky. The car accidents, the falling asleep at your desk, the arson trial, are all worth it. Because that's just the way things are, so there must be a good reason behind it.

Okay, it's the end of the column. You can stop staring at the screen now.

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