About the Co-Authors

Column Archive

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
4.2.2003 by Dan Beirne, every Wednesday.

Nathan Lane comes over every Wednesday to the house to watch a movie, or just chat with Dan. Dan found these little chats so interesting, he decided to tape-record them and tell the world all the neat things Nathan had to say about movies and stuff.

Wednesday, March 26th, raining

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002): An adaptation of the cult memoir of game show impressario Chuck Barris, in which he purports to have been a CIA hitman. Starring Sam Rockwell, written by Charlie Kaufman, and directed by George Clooney.

Nathan: Welcome to the movies!

Me: Yep.

Nathan: How did you get this?

(they announced the lottery numbers on the radio. I didn't win, so I tore up my ticket)

Me: I ripped it.

Nathan: No you didn't.

Me: Well, someone I know ripped it for me.

Nathan: The whole thing seems to exist in a studio, like it's some sort of grand stage play.

Me: Uh-huh.

Nathan: It felt like a movie that Orson Welles would make if he were still.....making....a movie.

Me: "..started makin' trouble in my neighbourhood.."

Nathan: I think the George Clooney-Steven Soderbergh friendship has been one of the best things to happen to movies in a long time.

Me: "..she said you movin' with your auntie and uncle.."

Nathan: What did you think, Dan?

Me: "..I said nah forget it.."

Nathan: (looking around) Dan?

Me: Yeah it was okay.

Nathan: Just OK? Can I have this then?

Me: No.

Nathan: Well what would you rather watch?

Me: I don't know.

Nathan: An episode of Fresh Prince?

Me: Yeah.

Nathan: Why is that?

Me: I don't know.

Nathan: Is it because it has black people in it?

Me: Yeah. I just have fun.

Nathan: Dan, there's someone I want you to talk to. Al, will you come in here, please?

(Al Jolson comes in. The crowd cheers and claps really loud. We have about a hundred people who watch us talk every week now)

Nathan: Al knows about this kind of thing.

(Al takes a few slow steps towards me, just staring. He smells like burnt cork, and you can hear his teeth grinding)

Nathan: Explain to him about what it means to find black people "fun", Al.

Al: I....can't....

(Al starts crying and punching me in the face, like a lot)

Nathan: Yes, that's right.

(He starts breaking the glass in my picture frames)

Me: Why are you doing this?

Nathan: You don't understand.

Al: You don't understand.

(Nathan starts typing on my computer. Al is screaming now)

Me: What are you doing?

Nathan: I'm spreading hate literature.

(the audience erupts into laughter and cheering)

Me: Why?

Nathan: You're not the victim, Dan. You're not.

Me: I never said--

Al: How long must this go on?

Nathan: So close, yet so far, Al.

Me: I quit.

(audience cheers)


To view Nathan's live journal, click here, or you can e-mail him here.


"if it is funny, it is funny because we see the absurdity of it all." -D.L.

Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page