About the Co-Authors

Column Archive

The Magic Christian
3.26.2003 by Dan Beirne, every Wednesday.

Nathan Lane comes over every Wednesday to the house to watch a movie, or just chat with Dan. Dan found these little chats so interesting, he decided to tape-record them and tell the world all the neat things Nathan had to say about movies and stuff.

Wednesday, March 19th, five hours later than normal

The Magic Christian (1969): Another Peter Sellers movie.

This piece is to be read aloud in a British accent, or at least anything resembling a voice north of Yorkshire line.

Me - a stout fellow of reserved disposition. The funniest a lad can get without a sense of humour.
Nathan - a charming man of high stature. Wealthier the Virgin Mary on Easter Sunday.
Tony - a pretty face, but not a brain in his head.

(the film finishes, and the curtain rises)

Nathan: I want you to meet a friend of mine, Dan. Say hello to Tony.

Tony: Oh, hello, Dan! I've heard a lot about you!

Me: Hello to Tony.

Tony: A lovely house you've got here, friend.

Me: Yes, expensive too. What's he doing here, Nathan?

Nathan: I've adopted him.

Me: You've what?

Tony: Adopted me, sir. To take legally into one's own family and raise--

Me: I know what it means, Tony. Have you lost your mind, Nathan? He smells like peanuts.

Nathan: Do you like money, Dan?

(sound of a large wad of 500 Pound notes slamming down on the table)

Me: My goodness!

Nathan: It's all for you.

Me: I...I'm...speechless! Thank you, Nathan! Tony!

Nathan: Ah, ah, ah! Don't touch, Dan. First you must answer a couple of questions. A wrong answer will result in this.

(he burns one of the notes with his lighter)

Me: Oh, God in Heaven!

Nathan: Now! Where do you find the Roundabout Spirit?

Me: Uh...I...pardon?

Nathan: Incorrect! Tony!

(Tony burns a note)

Me: Oh, you imbecile!

Nathan: Where do you find the Roundabout Spirit, Dan?

Me: ....I don't--

Nathan: Wrong!

(Tony burns another note)

Me: I don't understand!

Nathan: The ninny, Dan, the ninny. Now, where do you find the Roundabout Spirit?

Me: What are you saying!

Nathan: Nope! Not right!

Tony: Not right at all!

Me: Shut up, you twit!

Nathan: Dan, the question...

Me: Umm...uh...

Nathan: Dan!

Me: Hold on!

Nathan: An answer, Dan!

Me: London?

Nathan: Sorry!

(another note goes 'poof')

Me: Tokyo?

Nathan: No!


Me: Toronto?

Nathan: Again!


Tony: Outside the box, Dan.

Dan: I hate you!

Nathan: Wrong!


Dan: Granular?

Nathan: Unright!


Dan: Deep sea?

Nathan: No, sir!


Dan: Calisthenics?

Nathan: Correct.

Dan: Oh! Oh, thank God! Oh, yes!

Nathan: That was question one. Question two, Tony?

Dan: Oh, no.

Tony: What am I thinking right now?

Dan: Oh, that's easy. What a beautiful house this is.

Tony: ....he got it.

(Nathan burns the rest of the money)

Me: Oh! Agh! What are you doing?!

Nathan: I didn't say I wanted you to get that one right, Dan.

(sounds of a gorilla in a dress coming into my bedroom. A bobby wearing only his hat is chasing the gorilla, but you can't hear that on the tape)

The accents fade, and the curtain false.

as always, you can e-mail Nathan at hakunamattata69@hotmail.com to talk about movies or just chat about whatever.

Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page