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Miracle New Breakthrough Column!
1.20.2003 by Dan, every Monday.

Recently, I got bored and thought, “you know, I haven't checked my email in several minutes. Perhaps someone has written me.” So, like an idiot, I go and check my email. I had 27,328 unread messages, all of them wanting to sell me discount Viagra.

Well, that's not entirely true. Only around 25,000 of them were trying to sell me Viagra; the rest were mainly trying to sell me a wide variety of other things, such as a membership to an online casino, printer ink cartridges, something called an “unrestricted adult pass,” 147 CDs for a penny with nothing more to ever buy ever, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Space Needle, a pack of camels, and WorldCom stock. And if that were not enough, apparently every Nigerian is a multimillionaire but needs my help in getting across the Atlantic!

Now, here's the part that really bothers me- the junk emails are not stopping. They just keep getting worse. This means that there are people out there who get these emails and say, “Egad! I can get $100 free dollars if I join this casino today!! Oh, thank God I got this, I was just about to empty my savings account and buy truckload of pudding cups! And to think, I almost spent it so foolishly!” We need to form a large, angry mob, find these people, and insert their heads into their monitors until they sign an agreement giving all their disposable income to us, so we can buy socks for the poor or a nice potted fern or some staplers or something, anything, that doesn't serve to encourage the spammers. Of course, I also advocate similar treatment to anyone who voted for either Bush and everyone in Florida, so perhaps my views are a bit extreme.

Or perhaps they are not.

After I had finished frothing at the mouth over all the junk e'mail, I decided to “Surf” the “information super highway.” I realize that some of you might find these terms somewhat hackneyed, but I find that appropriate considering most of what you find on the internet. I also like that analogy because attempting to surf on a “super highway” can be quite similar to navigating the internet; you'll never get anywhere and you'll feel like an idiot.

But I decided to go look up some information at work. Now, on my computer at home, which I call “Bessie” because it really seems to bother people, I have no less than seven pop-up blocking programs, but that's not an option at work. So as soon as I open my browser, my monitor explodes.

Okay, it just seemed like it did. By the time I'd finished cleaning up the mess of pop-ups, I had decided that I would drag myself across the country with my tounge before I'd buy a ticket from Orbitz. But once again, I am apparently in the minority since the pop-ups keep coming, and that means that they work. I know you don't believe that. And I don't blame you. It's ludicrous. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, and the evidence was staring me right in the face. My theory is that some knuckle dragging neanderthals have gained internet access, and when not out voting for idiots and nazis (not to imply the two groups are mutually exclusive), go on the internet and start clicking on pop-up ads.

And folks, I have come up with a solution. There is no reason why those of us with a working cerebral cortex should suffer because of idiots. So what we do is require a license to use a computer! Just think, if you can't pass the test, which in this case could be just observing which end of the pencil the applicant uses, you can't go online. I'd love to limit the instances in which I find myself saying things like, “are you really that stupid or are you just talking advantage of the fact that I won't hit a woman?” to family reunions and dealing with customers.

Just look how well that system has worked for driving.

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