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Turkey Day
11.28.2002 by Dan, every Monday.

According to statistics released by the National Board of Stuff, nearly 70 percent of sentences citing statistics begin with a dangling participle. And that's a shame.

The National Institute of Statistics That I Make Up On The Spot has released data that says that 82 percent of the inhabitants on the North American continent is either American, or knows someone who is. And it is in light of this staggering revelation that I give you this guide to Turkey Day!

Yes, the sacred American Turkey Day is in many ways similar to the the Canadian holiday of Thanksgiving, in that eating is involved, and most stores are closed. But try not to be fooled, for there are many differences as well!

Turkey Day dates back to the late nineteenth century, when large trade groups were beginning to form. One of these, the American Turkey Institute, had a problem. People weren't eating turkey. The American public, in their ignorance, favored chicken over the dry, stringy, flavorless, hard-to-prepare turkey! Now, in times past, this would suggest moving into the profitable chicken industry. But they had just got new stationery, and didn't want to change it. So what they needed a way to force the public to consume their product.

So someone at the American Turkey Institute, possibly named ”Edward,” had a brilliant idea. “Hey,” Edward said. “Let us give senators large sums of money in exchange for doing what we want.” The lobbying industry was born.

And, in exchange for the large sums of money, the congressional body of the United States introduced and passed a bill recognizing the last Thursday in November as Turkey Day, A day where all federal services were suspended and all businesses closed so the people could go home and eat turkey in a nationwide celebration of gluttony. No reflection or appreciation was to take place this day; only the eating of a National Turkey Institute approved turkey and the watching of competitive sports was allowed.

And so, the modern American holiday of Turkey Day entered the culture. And many turkeys were sold, and eaten as leftovers for the next six months.

Elsewhere, the National Five-And-Ten Cent Store Association watched with interest, and began to form a plot...

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go eat myself sick, as required be federal law.

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