Chapter 27: Et tu, Jesus?
11.26.2002 Edited by , every Sunday.
"Bjorn! Bjorn! Wake up!"
There was a loud rapping on the door to Bjorn's room. It was Regis Philbin, yelling loudly in his distinctive gravelly, but not too gravelly voice. His tone was pleasant, and not in any way angry or foreboding. It was 5:30am.
Jesus unwrapped her slender leg from around Bjorn's torso, cleared the stray strands of hair which blocked her view, and looked up at the door. She glanced down at Bjorn below her, sleeping so peacefully, curled up in his many layers of soft fluffy blankets, blankets like a
puppy. So completely trusting and vulnerable in his state of sleep, yet so large and strong when awake. She noted what an interesting contrast was created, her inner monologue remarking that it would be an interesting embellishment should this story ever be made into a book.
"Bjorn, please listen! Get Up!" shouted Regis from the other side of the door, getting ever more impatient, but Bjorn slept still.
Jesus gently kissed Bjorn's shoulder through the blankets, then closed her eyes and put her head back on the pillow. She started to breathe with long, slow breaths.
Ever more frustrated, Regis banged on the door as hard as he could, and yelled Bjorn's name as loud as he could. Regis had turned from polite and patient to positively angry.
Bjorn woke suddenly from the noise, which by now could not be ignored. He blindly grabbed for a robe and went to see what the commotion was about. He poked his head out the door.
"Yes?" he mumbled, not entirely awake.
"It's time for your physical re-examination, to be preformed by the closest thing we have to doctors in our society comprised entirely of celebrities - Anthony Edwards, and Noah Wyle from ER. Come on now."
"Just let me get dressed!" replied Bjorn.
After a quick flurry of activity Bjorn was ready to go, teeth brushed with whitening toothpaste provided by the compound, hair combed, and most importantly dressed in a new pair of slacks and a collared shirt.
"I'll be right there Regis!" he shouted to Regis, who was waiting outside.
Bjorn kneeled tenderly over Jesus.
"I'll be right back" he whispered, then kissed her gently on the shoulder, trying his best not to wake her. She was curled up on the massive bed, her slender form clearly visible underneath the blankets.
As Bjorn walked out the door, Jesus opened her eyes to watch him go.
"That's backwards, you fool!" said Anthony Edwards, "That's the thing for checking ears, not eyes, didn't you listen to that consultant who visited the set?"
"No, I think they're the same thing. I think you can use them for both," replied Noah Wyle defensively, "Remember the episode with the kid who got shot with a pellet gun?"
"Hey jackass, how many Emmy's were you nominated for? Yeah, none, eh? I had three nominations. Put that in your pipe and fuck it."
"What the shit are you cocking about?"
Bjorn looked on reluctantly.
"Fuck you, you cum-faced, moose-fingering, ass-shitting, midget-fister!"
"Eat shit you elephant rimming, cock-gobbling donkey-sucker!"
Jesus crept silently to the washroom in her and Bjorn's room. She realized her folly, there was nobody around, there was no reason to be silent, but regardless she felt obligated to sneak.
She stealthily opened the medicine cabinet, searching for Bjorn's bag of amazing time-travelling pills. They were not in the medicine cabinet.
She walked quickly to Bjorn's dresser and gently tugged open the drawers. Again, no pills to be found.
She cursed under her breath.
She paced hastily to the bedside table and brutishly pulled open the drawer, nearly taking it right out of its hole.
Her eyes widened as she drew forth the bag of pills.
She nodded solemnly to herself as she undid the clasp on the bag and drew forth 5 shiny pills. One by one she popped off the ends of the pills and poured their white powdery contents into a tissue. She reached into her garter and pulled out a small vial. Carefully, ever so carefully, she poured a small amount of her own powder into each pill. Being gentle so as to not break the skin of the pills, she slowly placed the caps back onto each one. Her hand was not steady, and she had some difficulty, but in the end got them all in place. Finishing up, she placed the five pills back into the bag, ensuring that they were right on top.
She folded the corners of the tissue over so as to not spill any of the powder. She walked carefully to the toilet and dropped the small package into the toilet.
Before she could react there was a flash, a crash, and a smash. The toilet disappeared in a vortex of light, sent to another time and place by the content of Bjorn's time-travelling pills. Water sprayed out of the now-disconnected pipes.
"Shit", said Jesus, "How in krekh-znah will I explain this one?"
By Neale McDavitt-van Fleet