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What's For Dinner?
10.28.2002 by Dan, every Monday.


Recently, I was amusing myself with a brisk session of X-Treme Trout Fishing, when something occurred to me: Some carbon molecules must be shaped like hollow geodesic balls!

Naturally, this got me thinking about food. Why is food such a big deal for us? Why do we expend so much time and effort cooking it? Who looked at a snail and thought, “Hey, I should fry that?”

The history of eating goes back to the very Dawn of Man. In fact, underneath a small bistro in Paris, archaeologists (or as they call them in France, Janitors), have recently uncovered the very cave where restaurants began, so identified by the long list of people still waiting to be seated. And perhaps the greatest discovery of all, the first menu:

Rocks - 1 Clam

Rocks With Water - 2 Clams

Braised Scallops In A White Wine Sauce With Rocks - 80 Clams

Clam - 2 Clams


Food got somewhat better in the Middle Ages. Rocks were finally off the menu, replaced by meat, defined as “anything off an animal that you can chew:”

Peasant 1: What's for dinner?

Peasant 2: Haggis.

Peasant 1: What's a haggis?

Peasant 2: The liver, heart, and lungs of a sheep, all boiled in its own stomach.

Peasant 1: Pass the rocks, please.

Next, we come to today, with exciting innovations in the food industry, such as artificial sweetners, preservatives, artificial colors, and ham in a can. It is truly an exciting time to be alive:

Wage Slave 1: What's for dinner?

Wage Slave 2: Stouffer's Frozen Haggis.

Wage Slave 1: Didn't you read the last paragraph? Haggis is disgusting!

Wage Slave 2: This is different. Read the ingredients.

Wage Slave 1: “Partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, stork fat, riboflavin, dehydrated condensed essence of lilac blossom, corn stuff, artificial haggis flavor, gelatin, red dye #5, methanol, joint sealing compound, heroin, processed aardvark meat by-product, orange monkeys, and MSG”

Wage Slave 2: See, virtually no food at all!

Wage Slave 1: Pass the Kellogg's Frosted Glazed Rokky Krisps, please.

Finally, No trip through the de-evolution of cuisine would be complete without mentioning fast food. Fast food is comprised of four basic elements: Grease, Sugar, Meat Substance, and Filler. Varying these combinations gives you the menu:

Shake: Sugar, Filler

Fries: Grease, Filler

Patty: Meat Substance, Grease, 8 parts Filler

Counterperson: Grease, Filler, Crushed Dreams

Seats: Formica

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to eat my lawn.




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