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Dear Dan Deux
10.21.2002 by Dan, every Monday.

Dear Dan,

My husband has always been a kind, decent, and caring man. But he suddenly turned into an intolerant, judgmental monster last week during a taping of "The Ricki Lake Show" in which I confessed that I was secretly having an affair with a four-foot long snapping turtle that I met at the zoo. What did I do wrong?

Confused in Connecticut

Dear Confused:

Your problem is an overwhelming dependency on oxygen. Try sleeping with a plastic bag wrapped tightly around your head. One night should do it.

Dear Dan,

I am a potted fern who regularly uses America Online, because it is so easy that even one without eyes, ears, hands, language skills, or a cerebral cortex such as myself can use it. My question is, what brand of vinyl flooring do you recommend?

Photosynthesizing in Philadelphia

Dear Photosynthesizing:

If I were forced to recommend a single brand out of all the fine brands of flooring available today, I would have to go with Armstrong, for its famous durability and versatility. All this assumes, of course, that your flooring needs are non-commercial.

Dear Dan,

I am the head of maintenance at a Dupont Chemical plant, and every night a large swarm of hideous bat like man-creatures swarm the executive parking lot and flitter about the security lights. Now, I can't do like we did in the regular employee parking lot and just turn off the lights, exposing all foolish enough to enter there after dark to the psychopaths and mutants! Is there any other way we can keep them away?


Mutant-Plagued in Massachusetts

Dear Mutant-Plagued:

Probably the most effective solution will be to lace the water supply for the Accounting Department with the DNA of most any bird of prey, a natural predator of the bat. Be sure to get super heavy-duty car covers for the executives.

Dear Dan,

I'm all like, it's kind of, well, I'm, like, in this place, you know?

You Know? In Ottawa

Dear JP:

Go back to sleep. There, there.

Dear Dan,

I am very close to realizing my dream of becoming a professional wrestler, but lately I've been wondering if I should change my 1992 Chevy Lumina's oil to a winter weight. What do you suggest?

Musclebound in Montreal

Dear Musclebound:

I would recommend changing your entire car to something more appropriate to Canada, such as a Sno-Cat, a dogsled, or a one-way plane ticket to Acapulco.

Dear Dan,

I'm tired of all this. My head hurts and I wish I could go home.

Weary in Washington

Dear Mr. President:

So do we.

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