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Better Late Than Never
10.15.2002 by Dan, every Monday.

I have spent the past few days working on a construction site. It was not fun.

But I learned a few things.

1.) I hate mud. I mean, I really hate mud. Some people may dislike mud, even go far out of their way to avoid it, but I really hate it.

2.) My truck, being a two wheel drive Ranger, also hates mud. It hates having its wheel wells packed with it. It also hates moving at a 45 degree angle from which both its body and steering wheel are oriented.

3.) Port-A-Johns are the most horrifying things on the planet. Even more so when coupled with the aforementioned mud.

So, in an effort to continue providing you, the reader, with the quality sophomoric humor to which you have reduced your standards to expect from this column, I have persuaded Sean to fill in for me with a music review while I attempt to remove all the mud from my person.

I first had opportunity to listen to “John Smith and his Unremarkably Bland Orchestra” while standing in line at the supermarket, waiting to pay for my purchases of gum, floor cleaner, and a gallon jug of “El Chateau de Vinegar” brand wine and oil solvent. Intrigued, I had no choice but to storm into the back office under the pretense of finding cockroaches in the Cheez-Its (I always keep a few in my pocket for situations such as this), and swiped the CD from the player in all the confusion.

Once safely home, I was immediately struck by Smith's ability to blaze brave new trails in the Supermarket Background Music scene on his CD called “Too Lethargic to Yawn.” The first track, called “Ho-Hum,” features such musical innovations as the introduction of an entirely new note, which I can best describe as “Q-sharp.” “Please God, Make It Stop,” the fifth track, is a fine example of what a well-trained, highly professional orchestra would do if all its members were to become so drunk that they manage to slur even their instruments. The final track, called “Tedium,” has the exciting new musical style of the entire ensemble falling asleep less than a minute into the song, and loudly snoring for the final eight minutes.

I give this CD five pillows and a slit wrist.

Next week: A libel suit!

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